On to the next, I'm struggling with something that I didn't know how to put into words until I was reading one of my ICLW blogs. And there it was, already written for me by emily the hopeless. Thanks to her, I feel so much better. I can't explain why I feel better, probably because I can't explain exactly what is going on in my brain, and now no one has any idea what I'm talking about! It has to do with juggling another IVF cycle and moving forward with the adoption that we both believe is in our future...I'll quote Emily to clarify:
sure, we have to get through IVF#2 first. which i keep resenting. i’m sure my submersion into adoption related information is a small part related to my wanting to ignore IVF#2.. but mostly it’s because i truly feel like adoption will happen in our lives. i don’t feel like IVF#2 will do anything other than physically hurt me and exhaust me. again, i know that is partially self-defense and partially reality. so far i’m just going through the motions. i used to get excited when i had to do injections.. feeling a bit of hope each time.. but this time it’s just annoying. perhaps i will feel differently when more is going on, when i see follicles growing.. when i see embryo pictures.. but for now i will push IVF#2 into the back of my mind where it can’t hurt me as much.
We will start IVF #3 around Valentine's Day/when AF arrives in about 2.5 weeks and honey, this is old hat. Juuussst not feeling it this time. But when I think about starting our home study in May, my heart skips. And with everything happening this week in our country, I have been pondering what it would be like raising a non-Caucasian child to know and understand all the possibilities in life. So maybe it's like Emily says...I'm just protecting myself from IVF #3. But maybe it's because deep in my gut I know that my family is going to grow through adoption and I'm starting to really get accustomed to the idea. Either way, thank you Emily for your thoughts and know that you are not alone.
14 comments:
hi! i'm glad my ridiculous ranting made some kind of sense! i just did my lupron injection for the day and i swear i rolled my eyes at it haha!
we should definitely keep in touch.. it's nice to know someone out there understands what i mean. i know it's not perfect, but the world of adoption feels so much more hopeful than infertility. it calls to me.. and to you too!!
I really hope the best for both of you, regardless of how you welcome a child into your lives.
You are a perfect example of why we blog in the first place - connections and support.
ILCW
Hi! I think lots of women who eventually pursue adoption do so because of just what you're describing. I was there...feeling physically exhausted at the thought of trying another pointless IUI and just not believing that IVF would work for us and not even wanting to go there. I think it comes from the loss of control we feel during IF and the feeling that by starting the adoption process we are taking some control back. Best of luck to you! I felt the same about Obama back when we thought we'd be adopting a biracial baby...I was excited that she would be born the year he was elected (I was hypothesizing at that point). I'm still excited for Evie, but it's not quite the same thing.
Yeah, I get it... and I'm only about to start IVF #1...
Sheesh.
I too read Emily's post about adoption. I think it is all a matter of our defenses, not knowing and not having control. I believe we do just get to the point, mentally and physically, that we've had enough and are ready to move on.
I wish you much luck with your next IVF.
ICLW
I'm fascinated to hear (read?) that you're getting accustomed to the idea of adoption. I admit some of the edge has worn off my hostility to the idea (N.B. - I'm not opposed to adoption in theory; that is, I don't object to other people doing it, it's just me), but I can't say I can actually see myself growing a family that way. But I'm fascinated by people who are there and really interested to hear about other people's journeys. Best of luck to you in the process!
(Visiting from ICLW)
While I can`t say I know anything about IVF or adoption, I do understand being between two places and having to make decisions. I hope you get to hold a child in your arms soon, regardless of how they got there in the first place.
Happy ICLW
Oh, I so understand where both you and Emily are coming from. There comes a point where you just have to distance yourself from IVF in an effort to blunt the pain you know in your heart is coming.
My chiropractor, who is new to the scene, got kind of upset with me when I was telling him my plans. One more IVF with my husband's sperm, then one or two with DS, then we're done and moving on to adoption.
"It sounds like you've already given up," he said, sounding frustrated.
I didn't even get mad. He hasn't been there for the last 3 1/2 years. He doesn't know that at some point you just have to stop.
I think you'll find yourself getting caught up in your next cycle at some point. But if you don't, so be it. Either way, you're going to end up a happy and frazzled mom someday.
I'm so glad you have found hope and understanding through the blogospere. Here's hoping that '09 find your child on the way to you.
ICLW
I am hoping and praying for all your dreams to come true regardless of which way it comes. ((HUGS))
i am really open to adoption-- and actually tend to do most of my adoption research during my ivf cycles, almost as if i can temper any bad news with something that is a little more certain. good for you for being open to exploring all options.
It is really good that you know your limits. Having an open ended "well we'll just keep trying" could be very painful. I (hopefully) have IVF in my future, and it is really good to read about people's different experiences with it. Good luck and keep being kind to yourself! (ICLW)
I just love your post. I can just FEEL the excitement in your words. I wish this road your traveling on, to end with a beautiful child in your arms.
*ICLW*
I am wishing you all the best!
*ICLW 66*
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