I have been so mentally positive for the past couple of weeks. At least, trying to be. The whole, if you think it/say it/do it, it will happen idea. If I say I'm happy, if I say I'm going to see myself through a new lens, it will all miraculously be that way. But what goes up must come down. The holidays were such a joy because I do realize how lucky I am and how this past year has taught me so much about love & life & family & friends. I am happy about that. The hard part is that something always makes the real reality appear, even if for a brief time.
Friends of ours (well, a work friend of DH) had their first baby on Sunday. We are truly excited for them and they have been genuinely supportive of us. Mr. Friend even told DH first and privately when they found out they were expecting, before he announced it to everyone at their work. What has cropped up for me is not being envious or jealous that they got pregnant the first month they tried, or that Mrs. Friend is the same age I was when we started trying nearly three years ago. I am jealous that today they get to go home from the hospital and think about nothing else but their daughter. Everything else is secondary. And now everything has a purpose. Having a job is about supporting their family, having a home is about providing for their daughter. It isn't about them anymore.
That is what I want. I woke up yesterday morning dreading going back to work after a nice long break. I have a ton of commitments in January and February, projects and presentations. And I don't care about any of it. It doesn't have meaning to me. DH and I have this nice house, we drive nice cars, we had a banner year financially in 2008. What the heck is it all for if we don't have a child? It is certainly not bringing me the kind of joy I know that Mr. & Mrs. Friend are experiencing today. I can't wait to tune the entire world out for good reason, instead of just because I'm tired of playing the game.
2 comments:
I don't really have much to say. I understand how you feel. Just wanted to offer some support.
i was thinking along these lines when walking to work this morning. this is the conclusion i put on a sticky on my desk: you are not waiting, you are living your life.
easier said than done, of course.
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