Miscellaneous rants

First, to congratulate myself. I have finished Book One of my 2009 list. It was Crossing the Moon by Paulette Bates Alden. I enjoyed it and actually felt very connected to the author at various points--especially as she related to her childhood and the expectations of society/her family for her life. Ultimately, she makes the decision to remain childfree after many years of seeking treatment for her infertility. While our choices differ, I was pleasantly surprised at how despite 20 years between her experience and mine and despite the difference in about 12 years between our ages, it all feels the same. Our journeys are more alike than not, and that reassures me that I really am one of many and I am not alone on this adventure. And it makes me so thankful that I have you, blogworld, to support me and be there with me through it all. I cannot imagine how deafening the silence of infertility must have been 20 years ago.

On another note, I would like to rant today about how sucky my body can be with regards to female predictability. I don't so much blame my body, mostly because I have forced her to do unnatural things (like produce more than one egg at a time). But come on! After my first IVF, and even my FSH-IUIs, I don't recall the exact way my immediate next cycle occurred. I certainly don't remember this. It started last Thursday when I had some brown spotting, briefly, in the afternoon. Very light. Then nothing. I had the crazy crazy crazy thought that maybe, just maybe it could have been implantation. I counted the days (it was day 20) and since I think I o'd on day 10 or so, the math seemed plausible. I have short cycles anyway (only 26 days like clockwork and only lasting 2 or so days), but I was not due for AF until this Thursday. I was feeling pretty good physically through yesterday when I even skipped the gym because I was plumb wore out. Wakey, wakey this AM and holy crap. The floodgates have been opened. And the cramps are just constant. I took the edge off this morning with 600mg of Ad.vil and then 400mg more every three hours since then. My lower back is so sore and achy too. I'm crabby, hungry (but I don't know for what), and I skipped the gym again today because my bed and kitties sounded much more fun. OOOOOHHHH! Early menopause doesn't sound so bad right about now.

Next rant: Drs who aren't your doctor but who think they know you and what is best for you and will tell you what you really should be doing. See, my job is in infertility. I make my living talking every single day about exactly what I am living through. It is usually a good thing and it has been so therapeutic for me. I enjoy sharing what I've been through, what I've learned, and I make NO APOLOGIES for the decisions that my husband and I have made. They are OUR choices and just as I stand here and don't tell another infertile that they have made or are making the wrong choices, I don't usually expect to hear that from others. Today I had an appointment with a very nice customer (aka Doctor) that I had not met before. We went through the basic pleasantries and began the work discussion when, as usual, my infertility came up. I am always the one to bring it up because it usually fits with the converstation, and we began discussing my background. Because the customers I have are in the women's health profession, I can be candid and more open than with other complete strangers because they at least have a point of reference. This is mostly good, but today was totally annoying when I got to the part that if necessary, after IVF #3 in February we would be moving on to adoption. That was our decision. I was then lectured on, albeit in a very friendly tone, how I should really consider donor egg because I certainly had a good chance of having my own child that way. A couple of things here, Doc--donor egg means it isn't my egg so "my own child" is as applicable here to me as is adopting a child. Both are wonderful options for building my family, but I have clearly stated that I'm not ready to embark on donor egg, so what part are you missing? Also, when I stated several times that I reserve my right to change my mind on donor egg (which I can take advantage of for at least the next 10 years), your snide comment that what I was saying was that "donor egg was just not right for me now" implies that at some point it will be. Maybe. Maybe not.

Then the adoption question came up--international or domestic. If we get to that point in May, we are going to pursue a domestic adoption for our first child because it is really important to us to have an infant experience with at least one of our children. If I never give birth to a child I want to still have had a baby in my home. Doc proceeded to tell me about how there are other countries that have infant adoptions, like the patient she had who got her son from Vietnam at 6 months. I promptly stated that is the exception, not the rule. I said I had faith in God and He would build our family in His time according to His plan. I would be content with that. I then changed the subject back to work and finished the call.

End of rant--Doc was being nice. She was just offering her opinion, although unsolicited, to my situation which I had openly shared. She wasn't "telling" me what to do, persay. I guess it just bothered me that someone who knows NOTHING about me, my history, my life would question the personal choices my spouse and I have made. I know that she probably walked away from the conversation with a totally different impression of the chat, and she probably even forgot the call entirely once she was back to her patients. But this one stuck in me like an itty-bitty splinter the whole two hour drive home. I'm not upset. I am just tired of feeling like I have to defend myself to people who don't know a ****ing thing about all this.

Rant complete.