For Part TWO of the WHAT IF project, my WHAT IF falls into this category: How does infertility impact your “plans”/current choices/future decisions?
(I already wrote this with Part One, but it fits the assignment for Part Two better, so excuse the duplicate!)
Background on this "what if"--I have always wanted a family. There was never a time that I can remember when having a husband and children wasn't in my future. I played "house" incessantly as a child, I created elaborate families out of Barbies and Ponies and even blocks (the round ones were girls and the square ones were boys). I started naming my future kids and keeping lists of names that I liked at a very early age. I have one sibling and we were not close growing up, so I intended to have 3 or 4 kids, because then they would have a better chance of having a playmate that they got along with. Never, ever did I question that I would have a family.
Enter infertility. With a massive WHAM! BigTex and I both wanted multiple children. I am pretty sure we discussed this within the first few dates. But we were young and I think we agreed that we wanted to be a bit older when we started our family (like, 25 or 26--haha). When I was 26, we started trying to have a family and well, I don't need to rehash all those details. Just visit the archives if you want to know. End of the story so far--we have one beautiful, darling, heavenly daughter via adoption and our family has officially grown.
But WHAT IF I decide that I can't do this again...that I can't wait and wait and wait, and give my heart and soul to another first family like we have done with Tulip's family? WHAT IF I can't commit to another fully open adoption because the one we have has both taken so much and given so much? WHAT IF I can't do any other kind of adoption because we already have a fully open adoption, & it just feels so unfair to the child to have any other kind of relationship? WHAT IF my heart no longer desires 2 or 3 or 4 children because my Tulip has filled me with love beyond compare and I don't know if I want to share my heart with anyone else? WHAT IF growing our family is finished?
BUT, WHAT IF this is all okay? WHAT IF Tulip is enough? WHAT IF I get to the place where we choose to adopt again?
WHAT IF I just listen with my heart for God's plan and let go of all this WHAT IF?
For more infertility resources and support, visit these awesome sites:
www.resolve.org/infertility101
www.resolve.org/takecharge
Original WHAT IF List
2 comments:
Over from the "what IF" project...
I love this post! It is raw and honest and encompasses many of the same fears that I have myself! Thanks for sharing!
I'm sure you already know all of this, but I think it HAS to be normal to have all of these what ifs.
When I am finally still and allow my heart to be open to where God leads me, I find it is often in a direction I never thought I would be. (Hence, adopting a three year old, but that's another story! lol)
However, all of that said, I'm so type A that it drives me totally batty! Tulip is darling. I'm so glad I got to meet her.
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