To kick off my "get-back-to-posting" efforts, I thought I'd participate in my very first open adoption roundtable, hosted by Heather over here. The question at hand this go-around is totally applicable to us--
Does money have an impact on your open adoption? If so, how? (Could be issues pre- or post-placement, expectations, assumptions, costs of visit activities, travel, gifts--you name it.)
Certainly, without any qualification at all, money has an impact on our open adoption. Like many have already posted, our adoption exists because Tulip's first parents could not financially provide for her. Not even a little. When we were in the throws of waiting for the paperwork to be signed, we were so scared that they might change their minds and choose to parent--and of course that would have been their right, their choice. Deep down, it would have been our choice for Tulip, because we know how much they love her. But realistically and in all honesty, we wanted her and we got her--all because of money.
In the first days and even couple of weeks, BigTex & I had much to process. In addition to our immense joy and thanksgiving, we felt tremendous sadness and guilt. WE had Tulip because WE could afford to & her first parents, whom we have come to know and love and respect tremendously, could not. This was a very unsettling reality for us. We know that our adoption has nothing to do with love because we and her first parents love Tulip to bits. But we still had heavy hearts despite all the love surrounding this new little baby. My sadness was different than BigTex's though--and I will never forget the moment that he broke down in tears while holding her, sharing how guilty he felt and how bad he felt for Tulip's first father. He even described the moment we were leaving the hospital and that he could see that Tulip's first father was 'crushed, just crushed.' I had never seen BigTex cry before. Ever.
We have continued to work through our feelings, while each day falling more and more in love with our daughter. We have already visited with her first parents and the pain seems to not be as raw, if only by a little. We have sought out resources to support us and continue to focus on the fact that even though her first parents could not parent her, they chose US to provide for her. They want US to be her parents since they cannot be. For that, we are so very grateful and we take comfort in knowing they made the choice to make us a mommy & a daddy. We are honored beyond description.
We don't know how money will impact our relationship in the future, or how Tulip will come to understand how money relates to her adoption. We will answer all her questions honestly, and hopefully she will know in her heart that all four of her parents love her--no matter how money played a role in influencing the path of her life.
---Thanks Heather and mama2roo for the great question!
1 comment:
I know it's a day early, but I was bored at work, and I started looking at the ICLW list... I just read through your last few month's posts, and your story is amazing! I can't believe all you've been through, and you're finally a mom - congratulations!!! Little Tulip is just gorgeous!
Also, thanks for your honest post about adoption and money. This is a hard topic, and I appreciate your honesty in your response. I myself was adopted, and I always knew that my adoptive parents had more money than my birth parents. That, and they weren't alcoholics... But I have thought a lot about the money impact. My birth mother tried to keep me for awhile, but she ended up not being able to for a number of reasons, and money was part of it. It's not a pretty topic, but it's true life, and thanks for talking about it.
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