Hi to all those who might still be reading--especially after I nearly fell off the blogging-planet! I am excited to get back into reading YOU, it's been far too long! Quick history--almost 4 years TTC, 5 failed Clo.mid cycles, 4 failed IUIs, 3 failed IVF/ICSI, and one successful domestic infant adoption! All the boring details are on the left. We are now the very joyous and proud parents of our Tulip, who is 6 weeks old!
---------Now for the real post--------
I missed the great Resolve/Stirrup Queen project, What IF, but I had so many running through my brain that I thought I'd participate a bit late. Part one is sharing the biggest "what if" (or ifs) regarding infertility/family-building. Where to begin???
Background on this "what if"--I have always wanted a family. There was never a time that I can remember when having a husband and children wasn't in my future. I played "house" incessantly as a child, I created elaborate families out of Barbies and Ponies and even blocks (the round ones were girls and the square ones were boys). I started naming my future kids and keeping lists of names that I liked at a very early age. I have one sibling and we were not close growing up, so I intended to have 3 or 4 kids, because then they would have a better chance of having a playmate that they got along with. Never, ever did I question that I would have a family.
Enter infertility. With a massive WHAM! BigTex and I both wanted multiple children. I am pretty sure we discussed this within the first few dates. But we were young and I think we agreed that we wanted to be a bit older when we started our family (like, 25 or 26--haha). When I was 26, we started trying to have a family and well, I don't need to rehash all those details. Just visit the archives if you want to know. End of the story so far--we have one beautiful, darling, heavenly daughter via adoption and our family has officially grown.
But WHAT IF I decide that I can't do this again...that I can't wait and wait and wait, and give my heart and soul to another first family like we have done with Tulip's family? WHAT IF I can't commit to another fully open adoption because the one we have has both taken so much and given so much? WHAT IF I can't do any other kind of adoption because we already have a fully open adoption, & it just feels so unfair to the child to have any other kind of relationship? WHAT IF my heart no longer desires 2 or 3 or 4 children because my Tulip has filled me with love beyond compare and I don't know if I want to share my heart with anyone else? WHAT IF growing our family is finished?
This is the first part of Mel's project with Resolve and I look forward to sharing part two soon. Thanks for listening and for stopping by for ICLW!
6 comments:
As an adoptive mom (domestic too!), I totally get what you're feeling. I always feel like there are so many what if's...and Mel did a great job putting them all together.
Happy to find you!
ICLW27
Huge congrats on the arrival of your daughter.
What a great post. There are always so many "what ifs" surrounding family building and infertility just compounds them.
Mel is still accepting additions to the "What if" list. Make sure you add this post.
~CILW
Congrats on your daughter. I LOVE her name! My life is full of "What if's" I loved your post.
Thanks for stopping by my blog!
Happy ICLW
Wow, I just figured out that you and I started trying at pretty much exactly the same time (June 06), at the same age (26), and now we both have become mothers through open adoption! Pretty cool!
It is interesting how these similar journeys have impacted us differently, though. While we love our Bonsai with our whole hearts, adopting him has actually made us want a bigger family, grown through open adoption, bio kids (probably with an egg donor though), and international adoption. I used to want 2 or 3 kids, but since adopting him, I want 4 or 5 or 6. But I do understand what you mean about Tulip filling your whole heart, and also your concerns about entering into any other type of adoption (I worry about that with my desire to adopt internationally, since I believe so strongly in open adoption), and you worry about connecting with another birthfamily as you have with Tulip's (we share an amazing connection with Bonsai's birthfamily and love them so much--I do wonder if we could ever feel the same about another family). I also want to say, I am an only child and I think I turned out GREAT :) If you decide Tulip will be your one & only, I think that is a wonderful choice too.
Wow. You are further ahead of my on the adoption journey so I can only imagine what it must be like to have your adopted daughter and your birth family in your life but it sounds as if you have found peace and happiness. congrats!
ICLW
This is a beautiful post- thank you for sharing. My husband and I have decided to more forward with adoption, so I'm very interested to catch up on your backstory as we'd like to do domestic infant adoption ideally.
Wishing you all the luck as you navigate the joys of parenting a little one!
Happy ICLW!
~Miriam (ICLW #146) Hannah Wept, Sarah Laughed
Post a Comment