In the shower today (yes...I have still been able to shower every single day--it is my personal goal to clean myself every day while I am home with Tulip), I had an interesting thought. I have my own opinion, but I realized it was controversial and could be approached from several angles. I decided it was a perfect ICLW topic--please let me know what you think!
Let's say there are 2 couples who have been blessed to grow their families--one gave birth and one adopted. The couple that gave birth had previously suffered loss on their journey to start a family (it could have been a miscarriage, a stillbirth, or an infant death; it may have been more than once). The couple that adopted will never be able to conceive biological children and have run the gamit of IF treatments. Both are thrilled to be parents, to have a child. But both couples also have grief. They have both lost a tremendous amount on the way to their families.
Is their loss or their grief the same? At least similar? Or is it not even comparable? The loss of a child, does that even come close to the loss of never being able to have a child? One will never know the other's pain--but do they share the same joy? And if they are not the same, is one right or easier dealt with than the other? Perplexing, isn't it?
I will share my opinion in my next post!
16 comments:
That's a tough one. Both need copious amounts of chocolate and time to heal so maybe they are similarly different. Great blog, can't wait to read more. I'm your newest follower from IComLeavWe.
-K
http://mypottyseat.blogspot.com/
I don't know - interesting question. I think the people that have suffered the losses have ridden a steeper roller coaster. These folks have had really high highs, and then it crashes to really low lows. Whereas the folks that have not suffered the losses but have continually received BFNs just keep getting lower. For me, when I kept getting the BFNs, there was not much hope. I didn't expect anything to work. Now that I've had a loss, I remember the joy that I had for those very few days. I want that back. I can taste the joy, and the desire to have the joy is what drives me to move forward.
I've been stalking your blog for awhile now and this seems the perfect opportunity to jump in and finally comment. As a therapist I hear this question all the time and the truth is pain is pain. Neither is greater or less than the other. Pain cannot be compared because what may be great pain to me, may be nothing to you and vice versa. I believe it invalidates one to say that the other is worse.
http://www.nowwouldbenice-randi.blogspot.com
I agree with R. It's impossible to really compare. I am on the side of all BFNs and no biological child. I have had 2 adoption losses, so I can kind of relate to the feeling of an infant death, but I never carried them. So...my point is that one person can't experience all of those and be able to compare. And people grieve differently. My DH and I were ready to get right back on the waiting list after our losses, but a friend of mine who experienced adoption loss needed to be put on hold for some time. I'm not so sure you can say one is worse than the other. Just different.
A loss is a loss and grief is grief. The depth of both may vary but at the end of the day it is still the same and relative to each other.
To even begin to say that one is worse than the other is where judgement starts to come into it and honestly what one person may feel devastated about, another may cope with fine and vice versa.
How we deal with loss and grief is deeply personal, so it is impossible to compare.
This is definitely a tough one. While I would never discount the fact that one who has lost a child (no matter what stage) is suffering great pain, I believe that people experience grief differently, regardless of its causes. Pain is a very individualized demon, and I agree that it's is impossible to compare. We can only compare those events which cause us grief to other events that caused us grief to determine which, for us, was worse. That's my opinion, for what it's worth.
Happy ICLW (#48)
I'm inclined to think the sense of grief that both feel has a lot in common. Both have suffered the death of a dream, or an expectation, of what life will be like, through an incredibly painful process and circumstance. Great topic and question! Happy ICLW!
i have experienced many years of IF/surgery/medicated cycles and BFNs and a first IVF that worked. unfortunately i lost my beautiful baby girls preterm at 5 months pregnant. the love i felt in the 30 seconds that i got to see one of them alive is comparable to nothing in my life that i have experienced thus far. the fall of her dying and delivering her stillborn sister is comparable to no heartbreak i had ever known.
that being said i do not hold one loss up to the standards of another. i believe that any pain and grief is relative to the individual personality and circumstances. i have people say all the time that they couldn't possible know how i feel even though they had miscarriages or chemicals or BFNs or that my loss is worse because it was a late loss.
i don't believe that is true. i think that (without getting religious) once embryos are created, or sperm introduced there is the hope if not the expectation of an eventual baby. the pain of a failed cycle or many failed over and over is deep and just plain hurts. daily.
it's funny though, because i in turn feel the need to tell people who have lost later pregnancies than me or have lost an infant or older the same things that people have said to me, i am still at a loss for words on how to comfort them, feeling as if i can't possibly understand...
no, we will never know each other's pain, but i do belive that it is more alike than most would think...
this doesn't quite address adoption at all but it illustrates my take on it a little bit better. please feel free to delete this comment after/if you follow the link, im not trying to attract traffic or readers, just pass this on to you...
http://www.builtinbirthcontrol.com/2010/04/losing-it.html
I agree with the commenter who says pain is pain. There is no way to compare my pain with anyone else's, and all depending on how we are as individuals, I may take something much harder than someone else, even though I have not experienced loss. It is a very thought provoking question.
One thing I do know for sure, is I sure love my little one so much and not even loss of sleep could take away the joy from me. I am living on the highest of highs right now and that is permanent now that he's mine. The pain is not so deep anymore because of him. And I imagine it will go away eventually and be forgotten. because each day I'm with him, I heal a little more!
I have felt the pain of miscarriage and I have accepted the pain of not being able to carry a child of my own to term. I am also thankful for the pain because it has made me grow stronger and closer to God. I am excitedly moving forward with adoption and can't wait to see what joy the future holds!
I really don't know. It's been fascinating to read everyone's responses though.
ICLW
http://daega99-arewethereyet.blogspot.com/
Good question! My 0.02 - their pain is similar because pain is pain. When our hearts are hurting, our hearts are hurting, even if the cause for one person/couple is different from the cause for another person/couple.
Both couples have experienced the loss of a dream and the loss of what they thought their future would be.
Both couples have also experienced the terror that their dream may never be realized.
And I don't think one is easier than the other. They are both tough storms to weather.
I think that they do feel similar joy though. Both couples get to feel the undescribable joy that is parenthood even if they are made parents via different paths. And hopefully the birth of the child with result in healing for both couples.
yeah, Im in agreement , with it is hard if not impossible to compare pain, I know for me somethings have been much harder than others but it is so individual to each situation.
I ponder this question all the time.. is it fair for me to compare my loss over the inability to conceive the same as the loss of a woman who has lost the life of a child? I don't know... I've never experienced the loss of a child's life. All I know is that I hurt.. I cry... I grieve. And I know that I am entitled to those feelings.
Deep stuff. I agree with pain is pain. We just can't compare it...
thanks for the thought provoking question and for popping over on my blog today!
Happy ICLW!
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