So this has to be the strangest, most awkward, weird, unique & amazing situation I have ever been in. Not with our EPs specifically, but the whole concept of open adoption in general. Since meeting the EPs, we have exchanged email a couple of times and I just got off the phone with the EM. I swear I rambled on and on and must have sounded like an idiot. I did acknowledge that I am still nervous, even though we are extremely excited about the whole situation. Really, the conversation was mostly easy, I guess, and for comforts' sake we must have mentioned the snowy weekend weather like 12 times.
If I am honest, which I am trying to be, than my fear right now is that I am going to do something to muck this up. That I will say, or imply, or share something that will make her question me, her decision to pick us, her decision to make this plan for her child.
I know that is incredibly egocentric. And I know feeling this way--allowing myself to dwell on my fear--means I am not giving her enough credit as a woman, as a mother. As the doubt and what-if monsters circle in my head, I realize I am only making this more difficult on myself. I also recognize that I have been questioning "is this really happening?"
When we signed our initial contract with the agency (way back in the beginning of 2009), I envisioned we would most likely get placed pretty quickly (because of our openness, no children, and age status), via an ER situation, with a bi-racial baby who's first mom was single and who wanted a mostly closed adoption. Instead, we were deliberately chosen by a young, Caucasian couple, 7 weeks prior to the due date, who wanted to meet us in person, have us with them at the hospital during the delivery and 3 day waiting period, and have not just a semi-open adoption but a fully open one with on-going contact. Then and now, if I could have written down exactly what I wanted for our adoption, THIS WOULD BE IT. And yet I find myself confused and out-of-sorts and happy and terrified, all in one.
I think I am still processing everything. This has been the hardest part of our family-building journey to date, and I am certain there will continue to be tough days ahead. I am just hoping I don't drive myself over the edge before we get to the end! If you don't mind, please keep us in your thoughts/prayers this weekend. It's time to put those fear-monsters to bed!
9 comments:
This is what I can do for you.. I will check under your bed and in the closet for those "fear monsters" and shoo them away with my flashlight and broom. xoxoxo
as a new reader, im so excited to find you at such a blessed time in your life.
you're allowed to be nervous, you're "pregnant" after all! just without your body knowing--lucky you and your boobs :)
sending prayers your way and thinking how lovely that things worked out in such a charmed way. you deserve it.
xoxo
I find myself feeling this way about things...that I'm somehow going jinx myself and all the wonderful things that are happening are going to disappear.
Don't give'em any credence! I think things are going to happen just right for you guys :-)
How can you not feel this way? You've been waiting for this for a long time. I am so happy for you that it's going well! Try to relax and have confidence that this will happen. :)
What a wonderfully authentic and honest post.
Maybe this is something you would consider actually sharing with your EPs? To admit that you're afraid doesn't seem to me to be egocentric, but is simply to acknowledge that you're human.
You and your husband are in my thoughts as you wait and wonder and hope and feel a bit afraid.
Best and peace...
I remember this stage. IF makes you think that no matter how close you get to your dream, it can be snatched away at any time. So I'm guessing your reaction is absolutely normal.
What helped for me was to consciously remember to breathe when I felt the anxiety coming on, and to try to stay in the moment.
My thoughts are with you, Nicole.
This is a very very nervewracking time in the journey right now. My thoughts are with you as you maneuver through uncharted territory.
LFCA
I would do exactly the same thing in your situation. I overthink even the simplest thing! I've just started following your blog, but from the older posts that I've read, being chosen by the BP's is something that you are more than deserving of. You won't mess this up! Just continue to be you, there is a reason they picked you and your husband after all.
Thinking of you!
I think it's completely understandable to feel that way. This is a big deal...and I would feel the same way. But, it's also okay to admit that... "Listen, I'm really invested and care a lot and if I say anything that makes you uncomfortable, just let me know and we can discuss." Not sure if that op ever presents itself, but sometimes it's okay to just be honest, cause I bet she's feeling a similar way. Take care and good luck with everything!
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