My Thoughts in a Letter

My Dearest Baby Tulip or Baby Turtle,

Just a few days ago, on January 29, 2010, I sat across the table from you for the first time in a cramped booth at a Panera Bread. I got to see you for the first time in your ultrasound pictures. That day seems like a dream--sharp & in focus at moments, cloudy the next. But clearer and brighter than any light I've ever seen was the love surrounding you at that table, on that day.

It was quite cold outside, maybe 15 degrees when we arrived. But the sun was shining, and the last bits of snow piled along the edges of the parking lot shimmered in the daylight. We were without a doubt a bit nervous, me more than Daddy. I actually thought I might be sick. The knots had been growing and turning the last 30 minutes of the drive and I was just so ready to have the first moments over with. We waited inside the doors for your FirstMommy, K and her social worker. What couldn't have been more than 3 or 4 minutes felt like an eternity to me.

A young couple entered the restaurant, but I didn't want to stare so I quickly looked away. Is that them? Did your FirstDaddy, J come too? But she has dark hair, I thought she was blonde? It must be them...they keep looking at us! Just as I was working up the nerve to go ask if they were K & J, the socialworker arrived and made brief, but friendly introductions. She then led us to a booth toward the back. K & J sat on one side, Daddy & I sat on the other. As we took off our coats and had polite small talk, I got a chance to really look at your FirstMommy & FirstDaddy. I immediately noticed that both have striking blue eyes--sort of light in color, with a hint of gray. J's eyes were large, and nervous. But K's eyes were calm, they are petite and sort of hidden behind black, thin-frame glasses. She also has the most beautiful, porcelain skin. The color was soft and it complemented her gentle features. The shock of her dyed, nearly jet-black hair contrasted with her light eyebrows and I could tell she probably has very light blonde hair naturally. J's hair was cut very short, like Daddy's, and he had just the beginnings of a bald spot on the crown of his head. He wore a very trim, well-kept beard along his chin and around his mouth, the color was a light brown or a very dark and dirty blonde. J was a bit taller than Daddy, I noticed before we sat down, but he is also cut a bit fuller than Daddy. He clearly had spent time in the gym or trying to keep in shape--his shoulders were broad and defined. K was also taller than me, by a good 3-4 inches. She is also very small in her frame, so any weight she had gained because of you was only showing out front. She had long, thin fingers and a narrow chin. Her nose was just the right size for her face. You could tell that when she is not pregnant, she is very lean. Both K & J had nervous smiles...I am sure that Daddy & I did too.

The SW began to lead our conversation, first prompting K & J to share why they chose us from our profile. I guess the fact that Daddy's favorite cartoon is Family Guy struck a cord with K--she said that they watch it all the time. She shared our profile with J and, as he showed us at the table, he gave us the thumbs up. K said they had been looking for a couple that they seemed to have something in common with, that just felt right. And while she couldn't say exactly what else made an impact, she said there was just a connection.

We spent the next couple of hours talking about ourselves, how we met, what we did for careers, what we liked to do in our free time. We shared common interests--like Sushi and trying new restaurants--and we learned about K's family and her two children, your sister and brother. J shared about his love of video games (& Daddy agreed!) and how his family takes a trip up to Put-In-Bay every couple of years.

K & J shared that this has been difficult for them. No one knows about you, because they are afraid that they will not have the support they need to make this plan for you. Things have been very hard financially, and knowing that they don't know when it is going to improve has been even tougher, especially for J. Despite all of this, the one thing that was certain is how much they both love you. K said you craved cheese-filled pretzel sandwichs for a long time, now it was cinnamon rolls. When she doesn't know what to make (because you're making her hungry but she can't pick something specific) she said pizza rolls always make you happy. She just had to quit eating spicy food...that wasn't sitting well anymore. And she is bummed because they love Chipotle! Orange juice is her drink of choice these days and that seems to make you happy too. J told us about how you look like an alien when you stick your foot or arm into K's belly and he can see you from the outside! You are definitely a night owl, K said she has to nap throughout the day because you keep her up until like 3AM every night! While we were talking, you were pretty active. You gave K a couple swift kicks in the ribs and in the kidney and she had to stretch and push you around to get comfortable again. She said she is getting tired often now, even walking around the store for a short time makes her ready for another nap.

When we felt the silence increase between questions and stories, the SW decided it was time to wrap things up. I somehow was able to keep it together when I told K & J that whether they realized it or not, that day was the biggest day of our lives for Daddy & me. I told them that we were honored and thrilled to have been chosen by them, and we couldn't wait for the next step. J said he wanted to thank us for being willing to go on this journey with them, that it meant a lot to them to know we were now a part of this. I do not know how I didn't break down right there! Then the SW asked if we'd be willing to share emails and phone numbers so we could continue our conversation on our own. Of course we would! We had already given K & J a small photo album with pictures of our family and of us doing some of the things we love. They gave us your pictures from the ultrasound. We started to say our goodbyes and I asked K if I could give her a hug. It was a soft hug, friendly but still cautious. I hugged J too and he shook Daddy's hand. We said we looked forward to talking with them again soon and with a little wave, we headed out the door.

Baby, I want you to know how amazing your FirstMommy and FirstDaddy are. They love you with their whole hearts, it is very obvious. We are so blessed to have met them --of course because of you, but also because we will never, ever doubt that they loved you and wanted everything wonderful under the sun for you.

We can't wait to meet you, Baby and to tell you your story in person. I love you my darling Tulip or Turtle...we will see you soon!

Love for always,
Mommy