Thanksgiving and Christmas 2009. No baby.
My 30th birthday. No baby.
My 6th wedding anniversary. No baby.
My friend who started trying for her second child at the same time we started TTC celebrated that child's 3rd birthday. No baby for us.
Not one, not two, but three failed IVFs without so much as a line on a peestick. No baby.
Three would-be-due dates from three failed IVFs. No baby.
A guest-room-transitioning-into-nursery sitting filled with baby crap. But no baby.
A cycle so f***'in regular--most IF girls would kill to know exactly when they ovulated and when to expect AF. A monthly reminder of my bad eggs, though. And no baby.
A thirty pound weight see-saw in the 41 months since I went off the pill. Ugghh. Still no baby.
Coming to the realization that getting pregnant, staying pregnant, and having a healthy and happy baby is so much more of a miracle than I ever EVER expected. Waiting, with no baby.
All the distractions of late--the parties, the tv indulgences, the movies, the lazy days, the pushing-all-responsibility-out-of-my-head attitude--these are a direct result of the constant reel above playing in my heart. And I feel so bad 'whining' about it when I really have so little to whine about. My life is good and I know it. Which makes writing this difficult because I feel like I can't complain. I can't. I don't have anything really worth complaining about. So forgive me, internets, for writing meaningless posts about vampires & werewolves, about ridiculous tv shows, about my secret movie crushes, about drinking seemingly every weekend with my friends or BigTex, about wanting to do nothing but sleep even though I live in a pig sty and should really have my act together better than this. Because if I let myself write about what is really really eating at my heart, I am not sure I could climb back up from that hole. I'm going to have to stick with the status quo.
16 comments:
Oh... I am sooo there with you. All of it (except I turned 31 this year.. and only had one failed fresh IVF and one failed frozen IVF cycle.. but multiple failed IUI's and natural TTC cycles). I have amazingly regular cycles.. but nothing to show for it, except heartache. I also wish I could sleep my life away... what is doing laundry when all I do with it is wear it to work. I'd be happy for an excuse to wash baby puke out of it. I know it doesn't mean much, from a perfect stranger, but hang in there.. you're a strong, kind, courageous woman... you'll get through this and so will I. xoxoxo - Maddie
Stopping by from ICLW, I'm thankful for your honest post. I think it is okay to be where you are at and to stay there for a little while. But I hope at some point you will be able to move forward to take the next step...whatever is that right step for you.
Yeah. Just - yeah. Here's hoping for a better year for all of us, and a time when this crappy place we're in will just be a bad memory.
I don't have fertility issues but I have a lot going on in my life that I often ignore on my blogs in favor of some fluff. It's necessary sometimes for sanity's sake.
ICLW
Your post gave me chills.
I can relate to everything and more.
It does get better though. I know it might not mean much from a stranger, but it really does get better.
{{{{{hug}}}}}
I feel guilty reading this because I never had any problems. I'm one of those breathe on me just right, and bam.
So while I can understand what you're feeling, I really don't know, because I never went through it. So my heart aches for you even though I just found you via ICLW. There's nothing I can say because nothing can change it, fix it, or make it any better. Even I'm sorry seems contrite and not nearly enough.
Adoption Journey started...no baby, YET...but BABY TO COME! Hang in there; I know so much that there are good days and bad days. Try to focus on the good ones.
Ohhh...I've hit so many of these sorts of painful milestones myself without baby. Last year, for instance, I told myself that I had already had my last Mother's Day without being a mother myself. And then Mother's Day 2009 came and I still wasn't a mom--not, that is, until after 11 that night, when our baby boy was born. Which is one of the things that's super-amazing about adopting--you really never know when your baby is going to find you! We first met our boy's birthmom 4 days before he was born, and then suddenly there he was! Good luck with this stage of your journey, and know that your baby is on his or her way to you!
I have been there and it just plain sucks!!! really it does. reading your post bought back so many, not so nice memories. havent read enough to see where you are in your adopiton journey, but I promise promise you, when you bring your baby home, som much of that pain will go away, yeah its still there, but it will amaze you how much it will help, hang in there, chin-up and do what cha gotta do! (((hugs)))
I can identify with not being able to allow yourself to really delve into that and post. It is miserable. And you have to stay in a sane place. I am so sorry. I do hope that your adoption brings you a little one sooner rather than later. Good luck, and happy ICLW!
Wow, your post really hit home for me. I've also felt all of those emotions, and felt those days when you just can't post about the things that are really hurting you.
My hubby and I are also looking into the adoption process as we have been TTC for 6 years.
I look forward to reading more about your journey!
Yeah, like pretty much everyone else said - I know how you feel. Exactly how you feel. I can't dwell on it because that's when I really sink into that hole of depression.
Well, at least you have dreams of Jacob to keep you occupied. ;)
ICLW
You do have every right to complain. What you have been through royally sucks. {{{Hugs}}}
Ooooh.. Good post. Thanks for your honesty. So sorry that you have to go through this. IF sucks.
I do believe though that you have the right attitude. And that is half the battle. sigh.
((hugs))
iclw
Robin
You have all the right in the world to whine. Go ahead, it's your blog.
http://pandabox33.wordpress.com
Popped over from the Crème de la Crème list.
Boy do I recognize the feelings you describe. I've also felt it was wrong to feel so bad about IF, but in the end you can't reason the heartache away. Wanting children is for most people a deeply rooted desire, an instinct even. Not being able to fulfill that desire, despite all that effort ... of course you're "allowed" to complain about that.
I hope 2010 brings more happiness.
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