Calendars suck.

Today we are 16w1d by counting the actual calendar. But my ticker only says 3 months, 2 weeks, 6 days. According to the ticker, we won't hit 4 months until the 29th. BUT, 16 weeks is four months in my brain so I am going to go with that. There are some big changes occuring at our agency in the next few months. We got a call yesterday and then I was able to speak with the new PAP-SW last night. She has been one of the expectant family SW for the past few years and is now moving to the PAP-SW role as the current PAP-SW is leaving the agency to stay home with her two small children. I say good for her, and some of the PAP on the waiting list are probably happy to see her go. She is very friendly, but I wouldn't say she completely cut out to work with families who are desparate to have a baby. She was also very poor at communicating back with the PAP families. The new SW and I talked for about 10 minutes and I got more information out of her than in any of my chats with the old one.

Our new SW, M, shared that year-to-date the agency has placed 61 newborns. This is just slightly behind where they were last year at this time. She also shared that in 2008, when they placed 75 newborns, they had a very busy spring, a slow summer and a busy fall in terms of placement activity. In 2009 so far, spring was very slow, summer was slammed, and the fall has been unusually quiet. She also said they have started receiving calls from expectant families who are due between the end of the year and early spring, so she believes the trend for 2010 will be more like 2008. Who knows what that means for us, or if any of her beliefs are even going to come true. But she's been doing this a long time, and we do trust that she knows how the agency works.

On the advice of my counselor, I have been doing a conscious job of trying to envision our baby with us. For so long I have not allowed myself to think about what it will be like to have a little one physically in our midst and my counselor suggested that as a way to stave off some anxiety, I should really focus on how our lives will be with a little one around. So I have seen me holding the baby, seen the baby sleeping in the packnplay, and yesterday, I even saw BigTex holding this little tiny thing in a onesie while he was all dressed up for work. It brought me such warmth, to imagine that moment. It's like I feel it getting closer. I had a very vivid dream one night recently and the long-and-short of it was our baby came home to us. I don't remember many of the details, but I woke up with such peace and joy. I even had a chat with God that morning and said it's coming, isn't it? The moment we've been wanting for so long, been waiting for. In my heart and in my gut, I finally feel like it is on it's way to us.