This is going to sound dumb. It might even sound desparate. But I'm hoping if I write it down here it will disappear from my brain and I can stop worrying about it.
I am afraid that the call on Saturday is the only one we're going to get. As in, here was your chance and you said no so, you're out. You can't play anymore. No do-overs.
I know it is ridiculous. We know that we have the right to decline a match if it falls outside our pre-determined criteria--that's why they called us instead of just matching us. But it was so unexpected for me. I know SW said to be ready, she didn't think we'd wait long. But I was still so shocked that we were called in our first week and then with the details of the situation, both DH and I barely hesitated when we agreed it was not the right match for us.
I just can't shake that feeling of what if--what if that was it, what if that was the baby meant for us, what if we were being pushed and we chose not to step up?
It has only been 1w1d since we started waiting. And because of that call I now feel like we are going to be waiting forever. I was doing just fine before that--now I'm all screwed up.
I am being silly, and a bit self-centered, I know that. DH continues to tell me that. I am just really hoping that God's plan is still at work here because I am feeling a bit lost right now.
3 comments:
I don't know what your criteria are, but since your social worker told you to be ready for a call very soon, it sounds like you are more open to different conditions than other potential parents might be.
Therefore, when a child came up for adoption who did not meet your criteria, I think you absolutely did the right thing by refusing the match. It's not like you refused the match because the kid had blue eyes when you wanted brown, right? Adoption is a huge step, and it sounds like you two really thought through what you were and were not prepared to take on.
And despite that - it sounds to me very much like you're grieving the loss of this child - this chance, this possibility - much the way I know I've grieved over every one of my miscarriages. "Was this the one?" "Is this the last time I'll ever carry a child?" The potential was there, suddenly, almost close enough you could touch. And then it was not. That's incredibly difficult, no matter that I think the decision you made to decline the match was truly the best for you and for that child.
I honestly believe you will have a child of your own to love so very soon. The adoption agency, (or God, or the Universe, or whatever deity or Fate you believe in,) would never penalize you for needing to go into this with completely open hearts. The fact that you and your DH felt the same apprehension from the moment you heard about this possibility is a clear sign that you did the right thing.
Be strong and be as calm as you can be. This is worse than any 2ww could ever be, and I continue to be impressed by your courage and strength as you go through this. All will be well.
Nicole,
I'm so sorry to hear that this happened. I cannot even begin to imagine what it must have been like for you to get that call and have motherhood so close - and then know that you had to say no. My heart is totally broken that you even had to experience such a thing.
I'm 100% positive that you and your DH made the right choice and I believe that there is NO way you'll be ignored in your quest from this point on. It sounds like the agency "took a shot.". I'm sure they'll respect you even more for keeping everyone's best interests at heart.
Sending you much love and luck as you continue this crap-ass wait.
Erica
If you felt you had to decline the first potential match, I'm positive you had excellent reasons and that it was the right thing to do. You've been waiting for this and wanting it for so long, that I know if you had to decline, it was really, really not right. I hope you can let it go, and not second-guess yourself too much.
When you get matched, it will be the perfect match that you are meant to have. :)
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