Guest Post, and she doesn't even know it!

This community...YOU who visit & read this space...are so very important to me. I am certain that despite being complete, IRL strangers that you are very much a part of my soul. It is here that I can totally be myself. I can write what I think, what I need, what I doubt, what I fear, what I want--and you just KNOW what I am saying. We are connected in so many ways (both good and not so good) and I am truely, truely blessed to have friends like you in my blog life, if not in my everyday-in-person life.

The following is a comment from my post yesterday--but I wanted to ensure that I never, ever lose these words. Susan, please know how perfect your words were for my sad little soul yesterday. You validated how I was feeling and you gave those feelings a definition, a place. As soon as I read your comment a weight was lifted. It was like, aaahhhh! Now I know what it is! And it is okay. It is okay. Thank you, friend, for your support.

Susan's words:
I don't know what your criteria are, but since your social worker told you to be ready for a call very soon, it sounds like you are more open to different conditions than other potential parents might be. Therefore, when a child came up for adoption who did not meet your criteria, I think you absolutely did the right thing by refusing the match. It's not like you refused the match because the kid had blue eyes when you wanted brown, right? Adoption is a huge step, and it sounds like you two really thought through what you were and were not prepared to take on. And despite that - it sounds to me very much like you're grieving the loss of this child - this chance, this possibility - much the way I know I've grieved over every one of my miscarriages. "Was this the one?" "Is this the last time I'll ever carry a child?" The potential was there, suddenly, almost close enough you could touch. And then it was not. That's incredibly difficult, no matter that I think the decision you made to decline the match was truly the best for you and for that child. I honestly believe you will have a child of your own to love so very soon. The adoption agency, (or God, or the Universe, or whatever deity or Fate you believe in,) would never penalize you for needing to go into this with completely open hearts. The fact that you and your DH felt the same apprehension from the moment you heard about this possibility is a clear sign that you did the right thing. Be strong and be as calm as you can be. This is worse than any 2ww could ever be, and I continue to be impressed by your courage and strength as you go through this. All will be well.

Also I want to mention my friend Erica, my friend Emily, my IRL friend Joanna, and dear IRL best friend The Mom--you guys have done wonders to keep my spirit cheerful! Thank you!