4 weeks...

Today marks four weeks since we activated with our agency. We are still patiently (or as patiently as each moment will allow) waiting for God's plan of growing our family to be realized.

Actually, I am doing much better. My heart seems to have calmed. The ebb & flow of this wait seems to be getting closer to a mere ripple than the crashing waves of just a week ago. It might be that since we have done most of the big things on the 'list' we can relax a bit. Or that the urgency of The Call has finally worn off enough that I can breathe normally and get through more than two days in a row without crying when I think of that sweet, innocent baby that isn't mine because I said no. Or, and which I really believe is the answer here, because I have been praying in my heart many times a day for patience and for peace. I have asked others to pray this for us, I have even put it up in this space as a direct prayer request, which I didn't think I would ever do. God's peace is with me a bit more each morning; my resolve for this wait--my patience--might actually be growing just a bit each evening. So for that, fellow internets, I thank you. You continue to play a much bigger role in my life than you will ever know.
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I was participating in ICLW a few days ago and I discovered a new-to-me adoption blog, Ethi-hope-ia . While there are significant differences in our personal stories, we are both on the adoption path. And even though our circumstances are so very different in how we got here, I was very moved by one of her recent posts in which she relates how her miscarriage led her to pursue the adoption of her son in Ethiopia.

She writes, "in some weird way, I feel like Bean basically nudged us toward adoption--as it was meant to be all along and Bean was there to redirect us. Baby three is no more a replacement for Bean than I am for Baby 3's birth mother. We are beautiful additions to each other's lives, we are adding and building and living and loving--that's a gift on all levels."

There seems to be no greater truth to me than this--what we have been through, every painful, heartbroken step of infertility, has been guiding us, redirecting us. This baby that will be ours through adoption will never be a replacement for the child that we could not or did not have on our own, just as I will never EVER replace the woman who will give birth to my adopted child. But we will be beautiful additions to each other--to our lives, to our hearts, to our complete, inner souls.

It IS a gift to go through this. Doesn't that sound so wrong? I'll say it again, it IS A GIFT. God has seen and known all along that I need this gift, that my future child needs this gift, that our child's birth mother needs this gift. And more importantly, He has CHOSEN us to bear the weight of this gift forever, in my mind because He knows it can be done.
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As my birthday approaches tomorrow and I cross into the next third of my life, I recognize that everything I ever thought about being all grown up has been turned on its head. Every single thing that I envisioned, that I planned, that I wanted in and for my life is so very different. Not because it didn't happen or I didn't get it--but because it all DID happen, just in ways so very much the opposite of how I had imagined. And in retrospect, every single thing has turned out even better than I could have envisioned, planned, wanted or imagined.

I take comfort in that today, because our baby--our family--is out there and I know...I KNOW...it will be so much better than I could ever, ever imagine.