I feel like I need to explain

something, but I know I don't. Second-guessing and what-ifs rarely, if ever, net you much of anything. But since my lap was scheduled, before I even went under, I was wondering what some of you have asked: Why was I only having a lap now, AFTER I've done and failed at IVF 3 times? Why didn't I have this done, like, a year ago...as we were just beginning our "official" journey with the RE? Especially given all that was found on Friday...how did I get so far down the road not knowing what we know now?

I guess it's because you can only make decisions based on the information you have at the time...and based on the circumstances in which you find yourself.

My first RE did recommend I have a lap. He even stated it in his dictation every visit after the first time he told us I would most likely need one. But--DH and I made our decision to NOT have a lap when we repeatedly asked our first RE what could we possibly gain from having surgery? You see, we had just uncovered that I most likely did not have a right ovary. I had just been laid off from my job that DID have coverage for IVF--3 cycles, in fact. And first RE was so so so very curious where my right ovary was, that THAT was what he said I needed surgery for--to find out where it was. Even though surgery would not fix it or make it work, he just wanted to know where it was. There was never mention of possible adhesions, uterine anomalies, or issues with my left side. So based on our place in the universe at that time, DH and I really did not think that doing the surgery would net us anything. We had coverage for IVF for six more months--first RE said he was virtually certain we'd need IVF anyway--and he really kept saying, " where is that right ovary?" All this pointed us to move right into IVF #1.

When I had such a poor stim and embryo outcome, and ultimate failure of cycle #1, the focus shifted. I did genetic testing to see if I had a reason to have such a suck cycle given my age. First RE said he wasn't sure now if IVF would ever help us. I got a new job and my new job had coverage for IVF--four cycles, now. There was no rush to do cycle #2 and my summer vacation had been planned. I wanted to drink. And have fun. And not think about how I may not ever have a child of my own biology.

In August, we opted to consult with RE #2. Just to see that we had not left any stone unturned or overlooked any major issues. RE #2, Dr. L, agreed nearly with everything first RE had done and even said first RE had done far more agressive testing than he probably would have. Dr. L never mentioned a lap. It never crossed our minds to ask. We thought our issues were bigger than something surgery could fix. Dr. L reviewed how he'd change my protocol for IVF #2, if we decided to pursue that route. At this point, we didn't know. In fact, two weeks later we sent our intitial application to the adoption agency.

When we found out we could not start with our agency until January, we opted to try IVF #2 at our new clinic with Dr. L--figuring it couldn't hurt to change everything up and see if the outcome might be different. So on to IVF #2--we didn't have the result we wanted but we had dramatically improved from cycle #1; we felt we had made the right choice. Somehow we ended up doing IVF #3 to give it that one last go. And to bide time until our adoption group, which we had now committed to attending in May. We all know how that worked out.

So to present day we come...and I have now had my lap. Almost a year to the day of the start of IVF #1. And we did learn stuff...beyond "where is that right ovary!" We made the decision this time to have the lap because not only could it possibly help us, we knew we had nothing to lose. A year ago, we had no reason to think based on the information we had and our circumstances and how it was being presented to us that it would help us in any way. It turns out, I'm not completely barren. I may still one day have kiddos of my own.

I initially spent a bit of time worrying about all we've been through, and how we could have maybe avoided this whole year of hurt and heartache by just having had a lap a year ago. I even voiced this to DH and my mom--both had the same response: "But we didn't know." So we made our choice based on what we knew then and on how we felt--I cannot fault or question that process now, living here in the future. That's not fair either. I know without a doubt that God has been so involved in all of this, leading us down the road we NEEDED to be on to get us to where we are today.

Today, we are excited that we have made the decision to pursue domestic infant adoption. We are blessed to have the financial resources to do this, the love in our hearts to do this, and the courage to commit to growing our family this way. But I am also thrilled that for whatever reason, God has not closed the door on us having our own child some day. If it took delaying our lap a year to get us to this point, then I welcome it. And even though it may sound trite or insincere, there is no place I'd rather be.