Do you feel a sense of relief that you have taken back some control over your life? I keep thinking that this IVF cycle is IT for me! I want my life back. I feel like stamping my feet and chanting that - I want my life back, I want my life back! Really, though - how are you feeling?
Honestly, I do feel some relief. And then I don't. As I work through the papertrail that is our home study, it feels nice to be able to check things off a list and know that I'm actually accomplishing something. But for every item I check off, there are 5 more waiting to be finished. And the letters, fingerprints, fire inspection, etc are easy to do--I schedule them, ask for them, get them--whatever. The remaining HS tasks involve serious, contemplative thought and emotional effort. We have to determine our "accepted" infant criteria, answer challenging questions about life, our childhoods, our marriage, our future in just a few simple paragraphs, and finish creating a profile that basically opens every aspect of our lives and sums it into a pretty, four-page handout. So yes, while I do feel I've gotten some control back in my life, a huge part of me feels like I've just given up even more control than before. It feels very overwhelming.
I have many questions for our social worker (SW) and probably some pretty heavy fears (like never getting shown to potential birth families or never getting matched) that I'll more than likely discuss at some point down the line. Yesterday was a tough day, but today I have a bit more hope.
This looming surgery is the last piece to our IF puzzle and maybe I'll feel a bit back to normal after I recover from that. I'm feeling stuck between the two worlds (IF and adoption) right now and I need all my energy for just one of them. As for wanting my life back...there is no "back." It's just forward--because my life will never be the same. The good news is I'm back to being a crazy person from just my natural hormones, instead of injecting myself all the way to nuts!
Thanks, Erica for the questions and for the support. It means so much!
5 comments:
Hi Nicole,
Thanks for your exercise advice :)
I hope your surgery goes well tomorrow! I had a lap and hyst done a few months ago and it's over before you know it! I also had a colonoscopy last week so I can relate to the whole bowel prep thing! I had to drink the magnesium citrate. I nearly threw up the last 3 glasses.yuck! I was so hungry the night before and had lots of dreams (nightmares) that I had accidentally eaten food and then had to keep spitting it out...The sandwiches and tea I got given after the surgery tasted wonderful :)
I really hope everything goes well will your adoption process and this surgery helps you get some answers to move forward. Wishing you all the best!((hugs))
Thank you for answering that question so honestly. And you're totally right - we'll never get our lives "back" in the same way. I really like that line. I might use it from time to time (but I promise to give you all the credit)
Good luck with your surgery. Keeping everything crossed for you. Have a beautiful Easter holiday. :)
I felt alot of relief knowing I wouldn't be on drugs or going to endless doctor appointments. But I was also sad about the whole thing. It is one day at a time.
Nicole, great post! After YEARS of infertility, gaining 80 lbs. (because I wanted to 'feel' pregnant) and the blessings of my 2beautiful children through adoption, I finally am regaining my life back! I have 2 blogs, a family one and a weight-loss one called A Journey Back 2 Me...because that is what my life it now, not just losing weight, but finding myself again, the person I was before infertility.
Best of luck with you, your surgery and your journey! Please feel free to email me with any questions you may have...we did both international and domectic adotpion.
doripink@carolina.rr.com
Dori
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