Well, my estrogen was somewhere in the 200s. Out of sheer paranoia, I called Nurse at the clinic to check since I hadn't heard anything (which was a good thing, it means I am headed for Friday at my current levels). When I asked about my E2, she said "oh, I think it was in somewhere in the 200s. Yea, that's it. So you're fine."
I know she didn't look, didn't double check, didn't have my chart in front of her. Good news is it is up, bad news to me is that it is moving very slowly.
Since about mid-afternoon yesterday, I've started to feel more activity in the uterine area. A bit of cramping and some dull achiness. Weird but I also feel it on my right side where I am missing an ovary. Anyway, it's probably just gas.
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I must admit that I had a really hard day yesterday. The tears were right at the surface and it was all I could do after my clinic visit and then trying to work to keep them at bay. In my car I had to turn the music up so loud and force myself to sing along just to try and drown out the puddle of mush that was swishing around in my brain. I had the whys and why me's and the why us's starting to creep in. I find it so hard IRL because not only do people usually not know what to say when they find out we're IF, they know what to say even less when they learn that we have failed at all our attempts so far. I know a whole bunch of IRL people who have battled IF, used various forms of treatment, had success. But I know NO ONE who has failed not just one, but two IVFs, have no frozen embabies to use, and at 29 years old is looking at donor egg as the next medical step. NO ONE. When our first IVF failed, I cried because I didn't know who to turn to. I even recall telling one of my very supportive fertile friends that while appreciated her attempts at consoling me, I was partly crying because no one I knew has experienced IVF failure before. I was it. And that made me feel so alone, I can't even put words down to describe it. When #2 failed, I didn't even cry. Not once. I might have even chuckled a bit. So this is how it's going to go for us, I thought. Really? Not even a chemical, fleeting positive? As I sit here somewhat in the middle of #3, I can't help but be a bit angry, a bit cynical, a bit antsy. That I have to do this again. AGAIN. Those whys are really struggling to come out. I've even casually wondered how it will feel to say we failed 4 IUIs and 3 IVFs. Isn't that terrible? I'm already trying to get over something that hasn't happened yet. I have to say, the burden of all this really is heavy.
And right now I'm feeling pretty weak.
5 comments:
I'm sure it won't make you feel any better about your own situation, but at 33 I have done 2 Clomid cycles without IUI, 6 IUIs (4 Clomid and 2 FSH), and 2 IVFs with two early miscarriages, zero frozen embabies, and zero babies to show for it. You're not the only person who keeps failing cycles, even if it feels that way.
I also don't know anybody IRL who has had nearly the lack of success that I have.
Yeah, being able to say that I've failed 2 IVFs and 6 IUIs (so far) is a pretty lame badge of honor.
I wish I had something more insightful to say, but know that you're not alone, and that there are people rooting for you.
Best of luck with this IVF!
I just want to second that. Your not alone. IVF isn't a quick fix. Oh how i would love to have been one of those girls who does it once and ends up with a baby in their arms 9mths later. But i'm not and those girls are a rarer than you think. Ivf was out only option. I've done 3 full stim cycles and 1 frozen. My first 2 transfers were negative. My third was a positive (although low) and turned out to be a blighted ovum (sac but no baby) My fourth was a very good BFP :) but tragically we lost that bub between 9 & 11 wks. Now i'm looking at another transfer in May depending on what our tests say.
So yeah your not alone and it's not always easy. I'm the same age as you. I'm sick of all this failing at the one thing i want so badly but i'm not gonna give up.
I think your doing great. I know another woman with one overy and she is lucky to get 5 follies on hers maximum.
Anyway good luck with this cycle, i hope your numbers come good and this one is your winner cycle.
each journey is unique, and no matter how many people you know with similar stories, there are times when your path feels like yours alone, and that you are singularly going where no woman has walked before.
and then, hopefully, your path crosses another that can give you strength and though no one can be exactly by your side, maybe you can find company in those who are going in the same direction cheering you on.
hope you feel stronger soon!
I don't have any wisdom to share, but I did want to say that I'm sorry this is so difficult right now. I hope the next few days, weeks, and months bring wonderful test results and happy news.
(LFCA)
Here from LFCA: You are not alone. I'm 26 and about to start IVF#5. Everytime I say I'm done the urge returns and I try again. That little glimmer of hope keeps us going one more time and hopefully it will all pay off in the end.
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