Change "in" Heart

Thank you so much for the nice comments and the LFCA blurb. I have only ever felt connected to this community and it really does fill that IRL void I mentioned before.



This morning's trek to the clinic started out with me opening the garage to 4 inches of snow that had fallen overnight. I live about 45 minutes from the clinic so I leave when it is still very early and very dark outside. Driving there in the AM is a pain because I have to head into downtown with the rush hour traffic so combine that with the distance and I usually leave about an hour before I need to get there. Today, thanks to the snow, the back-up started a lot closer to home than normal. I was glad that today I had budgeted nearly 90 minutes to get to the clinic. Wouldn't you know that when I was HALF WAY THERE, I realized my Follist.im pen was still sitting in my fridge. Yep, as in at home. Not with me. And it was 6:35AM, I had been driving for about 25 minutes and had a shot that I needed to take at 7AM. Are you kidding me??? So I zipped off the interstate at the next exit, flipped to the other side and headed home. I arrived at just a few minutes before 7, took my stupid shot, and got back on the road. Now the rush hour traffic was even worse. Add that little bit of snow and everyone-who-had-forgotten-it-was-winter-and-that-we-had-41"-of-snow-last-month, and you have the makings of a mind-numbing morning drive. My appointment was supposed to be at 7:30AM and I made it at 8:10AM. They didn't care, as long as I was there before the magical time of 8:30AM when they send all the morning BW to the lab. Calm. Breathe.



My US was fine. Another new tech. [Sidebar: I have decided that some of my anxiety so far has been caused by the inconsistency in the US tech of the day--last cycle I had the same women almost every time. She is supposedly the most senior with the most IVF experience and she is very detailed in her measuring. Today, I had my third different tech of the cycle, on my third visit. They have each done it differently. Boo.] I had 4 follicles all nearly the same size at 10-11 and I had 7 more just under 10 or so. When I met with the nurse today (we'll call her Nurse Good Vibes), she was able to get me under control. I asked about my progress and she was very positive. We looked at my last cycle and compared each thing to this cycle--most everything is the same. The confusion seems to be that Good US tech measures follicles even around 10 (but 3 of the 4 from last cycle that were what she had called measurable on day 5, were actually only 9-10 and now when I was here on this day 5, the other US techs just labeled the whole group as less than 10). Bottomline is that I have 4 same-size follies and 7 more that could be right there as well. My E2 from day 5 was actually 125, reflecting perfectly the one follie that had been measured at 10. Hopefully today's E2 will show between 300-400. Back tomorrow for another check, which will be more like apples-to-apples because last cycle my second check was on day 8 instead of day 7. I know. I'm confused too.

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As for the title of this post, Nurse Good Vibes had a stearn conversation with me and basically said I needed to get it together. She is funny and sweet and has such a good heart--she really wants her patients to have success. Her advice is that I need to--no, I MUST--believe that this is going to work. I cannot just say things like "I hope this doesn't fail" or think about things going wrong. I just need to believe that it will be. She said there are only so many things that we have control over when we are doing IVF and when there just isn't anything else to control, we have to control our attitude. And positive is the only way to go. "What is the worst that can happen?" she said. Well, the worst that can happen is this could fail, and honestly I already know how that will feel. It isn't scary because I have already been there. I know how it will feel. So why dwell on it now?


Since this is 95% most-likely to be our last fresh IVF ever, I do not want to dwell on the end. I want to imagine my eggies growing slowly, steadily so that they will be strong when they meet their mate via pipette. I see them dividing and growing and being my lucky embabies. I believe that this is good. Patience...and God's timing--it will not be late by a single day (Hab. 2:3).