Anticipation

My brain is going to explode (see below for more in-depth details). So much so that when I arrived home this afternoon following two long days with my boss, I launched into a semi-spring-cleaning of my house. Actually, we have been living in a sty (as in pig) and the mere thought of coming home to this mess made me not want to pull in the garage. Of course, since DH is a CPA, he has a "free pass" this time of year to not lift a frickin' foot around the abode. He'll put his dishes in the dishwasher and take out the trash, but hardcore clean--no way. And the pass isn't me allowing him off the hook, he just "is." Needless to say after being locked indoors all of January, not having had company since Christmas, and ultimately a real lack of motivation on my part, we were living in a sty.

I don't want to gross anyone out, but we have kitty cats that are super furry this time of year. And we hadn't vacuumed in like three weeks. I couldn't even go up the stairs because I was disgusted by the layer of cat hair I had to look at every time I went up. And the hairballs! UUUgggghhhh!!! I knew without a doubt that nothing would be any different than when I left on Monday, and I was right. Still furry floors everywhere I looked and I just couldn't stand it anymore. I changed my clothes and spent the next HOUR & A HALF vacuuming the entire house, stairs and all. I threw out all the newspapers lying around and picked up the piles and piles of junk from our dining room table. Now I have some candles lit, I'm waiting for dinner to finish baking and I feel so much better. The kitchen is mostly clean (which always makes me happy) and I feel like I can walk around my house without kicking up kitty tumbleweeds. I predict this will last until tomorrow night.

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I've been kind of quiet (in my opinion) the last week and I have decided that once again words to describe what I'm feeling seem to escape me. Rare, I know. It has been the ongoing emotional/mental battle I'm waging between having a successful IVF #3 and moving on to domestic adoption. I really do have a lot of hope for this next cycle. I plan to change things up from the previous two--this time I plan to keep exercising (modified, of course), totally cut caffeine starting with AF, no alcohol at all once I start stims. I am going to try reflexology after ER before ET to reduce the anxiety and stress that I have had waiting on fert reports. I am going to take the day after the ER off of work so that I don't drive around feeling like UTTER crap with an abdomen that is very angry. I'm going to keep reading to keep my mind occupied. And I am not going to pee on a stick until the morning of my beta. I really am hopeful that this is it, that this is the one for us.

And at the same time I am ready for it to be over. Over because if it does end in disappointment, then I want to be okay with getting excited about our adoption journey. Right now it just feels like I'm being a traitor. Like getting excited about our adoption classes in May and starting our homestudy is something that I have to be covert about. Kept on the DL. It's as if I get too ready to start our adoption, our IVF won't work. But if I pin everything on our IVF, I know what an emotional letdown it will be. And really the thing that is most exciting to me is the fact that the "end" will actually be the beginning, if that makes sense. The light at the end of the tunnel is getting brighter and maybe even closer. We are going to have a family. In the meantime, I struggle.

Ultimately, for me, I believe that God's hand is in all of this and His plan was created long ago for me and my future. I was ready the wonderful story of Heart Cries' recent adoption match and I noticed this verse on her blog:

"But these things I plan won't happen right away.

Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled.

If it seems slow, be patient! For it will surely take place.

It will not be late by a single day."

~ Habakkuk 2:3

Be patient, slowly, steadily, surely my time is coming. It will not be late by a single day.