Not a single tear

I have not shed a single tear after getting confirmation from Dr. L that we are not expecting. I was more blubbery during the cycle and subsequent TWW. On Wednesday when I got the call, it was actually Dr. L himself. He started by saying, well, I don't have good news. I simply responded, I know. We then proceeded to go over this cycle and plan IVF #3. We'll start BCP after one down cycle and then by mid-February I'll be on my stim cycle. Till then I will be awash in holiday alcoholic beverages.

The other part of the story...

Shortly after starting to cycle for IVF #2 in November, we received our initial invitation to the group assessment and training meeting for our adoption agency. I was ecstatic! It meant that we could have peace through the cycle, knowing that if it didn't work we could move forward with our adoption plans in January. The bad news was that the meeting was scheduled for January 17 & 18, which happened to be the ONLY week that DH was traveling for work out of state. AND, to make it worse, we had to commit to the meeting and send in our home study $ by December 17--the day of my beta. I stewed for several days, DH was uncooperative, and I was certain that I was going to go crazy. Ultimately, DH and I talked and decided that since cycle #2 was going so much better than cycle #1, maybe we would be better off doing cycle #3 and postponing our adoption class until the next group later in the spring. I called the agency and told them that due to DH's work travel, we just couldn't make the January group and could we move to the next one? They said absolutely, it is set for May 1 & 2. We are first on the list. DH is happy because he has advanced notice, and no travel set for that time. We are both happy and in agreement that we should try IVF again (seems I am a glutton for punishment) since we learned a few more things this time and did so well despite a negative outcome. And I am happy because in my gut I believe we are doing everything humanly possible to have a child, regardless of whether I give birth to that child or not.

Right now May seems a long ways off, and if we don't conceive and do move forward with the adoption in 2009, it will most likely be mid-2010 before we actually have a child in our home. That seems like f-o-r-e-v-e-r from now. But I can see the end. I can finally see the end of the long road to starting our family. It may not be as soon as I would like, but the joy I feel in the pit of my stomach when I envision the day I bring home my child--it is indescribable. If we do conceive, God-willing, then I am anticipating the day we will start our home study to expand our family, because we know that adoption is in our future one way or another.

So sorry for the long-windedness today. I still have no tears. I chaulk that up to all the prayers and positive thoughts and support I have been receiving from family, friends, and my church family. And of course, DH. I am feeling very loved and very blessed.