IVF #2 = Bust

At 12dp3dt, my beta was 2. I am not pregnant.

This week has been an absolute emotional roller coaster. Starting Saturday, I knew I was out. At least, I was 95% certain. The ever-growing collection I had of stark-white pee sticks only confirmed my gut feeling. I went for the obligatory beta this morning, if for no other reason than to stop the progesterone and get on with my life. I am exhausted, both phyiscally and emotionally, have a headache I can't shake, and just want to curl up in my cozy bed with my loving kitties who know something is up but just want to love me anyway.

While waiting for my blood draw at the crack of dawn, I picked up the December issue of Ladies Home Journal and flipped through. I stopped on an article and wouldn't you know, it just spoke to me. It is entitled "To Happy Endings" by Marion Winik and is the current monthly installment of the series, My Life as a Mom. I must take a moment now to quote this fantastic article:

No matter how many times life surprises you, you never get used to the shock. A year ago I couldn't have pictured all that has come to pass in my world in 2008...a raft of heartaches big and small....

Similarly, I can't know what awaits me in the year ahead. It could be more trouble -- that's always possible, isn't it? No matter how much we feel we've paid our dues or had our share of bad karma, we can never be certain that the worst is behind us.

But I do know one thing from experience -- there is nothing more invigorating in life than knowing you have overcome major setbacks.

The article continues with the author describing her challenges from 2008 and what her plans are to move forward in the new year. She ends her column with this:

I've been through enough to feel certain that a few years from now I'll look back at these hard times and say, yeah, but if all that hadn't happened, I wouldn't have...fill in the blank. Maybe there's a best-selling novel in my future that I wouldn't have written but for all this, or a group of amazing friends whom I wouldn't have met otherwise. Who knows?

The bright side of life's unpredictability is that it's not over until it's over. As dark as the passages and confusing as the cul-de-sacs that you find yourself in are, progress is nevertheless being made. Something is unfolding.

You are becoming.

This just spoke to me. Progress is being made. Whether it is learning what went wrong this cycle, or what we can do next cycle, or simply getting us closer to our complete and total acceptance that a biological child is not God's plan for us, we are making progress. Something is unfolding and it is His Will for us, our life, our family. And if I wanted to go back and change something, or skip a step along the way, we wouldn't be here and we wouldn't get there--to the exact place we are meant to be.

I understand this and I take comfort in that message. It doesn't stop the hurting or the tears, which I am sure will begin to flow later today. But as I come out of my grief this time, I will have one more reason to keep on the path. Because I am becoming. A mom, hopefully. A stronger woman, definitely.

Here's to happy endings.