I fell off the cliff again, I know. It's not that I didn't want to write, or that I didn't have anything to say, I have just been completely caught up in my new job. Which I love, by the way. I have been reflecting on God's Plan lately and I must say, it is way better than what I could have come up with. Even with the bumps and the switchbacks and the sharp left turns, He knows what He is doing. Funny, huh, that He would know best.
In other news, we are cycling right now. Better yet, I'm on day 3 of stims and looking forward to my appointment on Wednesday to check on my follie progress. After 2 months of BCPs and two weeks of Lupron, all was quiet on the ovary front at my baseline on Saturday (as it should have been) but now I am nervous to see how it looks as she wakes up. I guess pending my progress, we're probably looking at a Monday or Tuesday retrieval next week and then a 5 day transfer. Doc also wants me on 4-5 days bed rest, if I can swing it. Haven't quite processed all that yet...I'm just trying to get to Wednesday.
SOOO many things have been running through my brain since this cycle began. The unknown, the anxiety, the pure fear of the giant retrieval needle keep my head spinning even when I'm busy with everything else. I found it hard to concentrate today on work or on the errands I had to do, distracted by random IVF thoughts.
The biggest one..."Here we go." This is it. Everything else has led us to this point. We don't know if it will work. We don't know if we'll have to do it again. But ultimately we are as close to where we want to be as we have ever been. Does that make sense? By this time next week (give or take a day) we could have embryos. We've never had embryos, that we know of. It is going to be the first time that my dear husband and I will have created life (even if it is in a petri dish). The mere thought of this causes a knot to well up in my throat and my eyes to water. Insert prayer here...Father, if it is your will.
For the first time in a very long time, I have actually started to think of the end result--a baby (or two or three). Could it really happen? Could we actually get pregnant? What will that be like? What will I feel like physically? How will I feel emotionally? And then I just see our house with baby stuff in it. Or me holding my very own child. I can't for the life of me describe what I actually am experiencing but it is that hopeful part of me that really wants to believe. To think that this is what God intended. That my joy will be so overflowing I won't be able to hide it from anyone. I will say that I quickly snap back to the more rational self and remember that really this cycle is still to figure stuff out--to understand what other issues there might still be with either me or DH. And that it is likely that it will not be positive. I remind myself that we are lucky because we are in a position to try a second time, so I don't need to pin all my hopes on this cycle. What a crazy balancing act this is becoming. To have hope, but to be prepared for the worst. One.day.at.a.time...
I'd love to hear about anyone else's first IVF experience and if you have any advice for getting through the retrieval and then the bed rest post transfer. As good as I am at researching things on Google, this one just feels like too much work. But I'll take anything I can get from those willing to share. Thanks in advance!
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