I guess I just didn't know what else to say. ***
My first week with the new job went very well. There was a lot to learn during the home study, but I felt so comfortable with the material because it is all about infertility. The background was learning about the reproductive system and then about reproductive medicine. This included learning the details on diagnosing, treating, and ultimately ART for couples with infertility. Given my personal experience with this subject, the material was actually quite basic. I wish I had such a good primer a few years ago...
Last week I was in NJ at our corporate office for the formal training class. It was well done and very thorough, despite such a short amount of time and a huge amount of material. I did very well on my exams and on the practical certification. I attribute this to my own experience as well. Sure makes it easier to tell some one what a hysteosalpingogram is when you've had a couple before. Next week I have my first field days with my manager. I'm trying to not get too nervous yet. He's a good guy, and I don't think that it will be as scary as it was at my last job. At least I can still play the "new" card for a couple more months.
*** Back to the not knowing what to say thing.
I never don't know what to say. In fact, I say too much most of the time. For as much as I try or at least want to keep things to myself, it really never works that way. I'll tell myself that I should be a little more guarded when I meet someone new. I don't need to tell them my life story within the first eight hours. My whole life I have just worn my heart, my soul, my history, my emotions all on my sleeve. I am a terrible liar, I have a tough time keeping a secret (if it is about me), and when it comes to censoring or filtering what does come out, I fail miserably. So why now do I find it difficult to say something?
Maybe it's because we're in the in-between phase...almost to IVF but not quite. Maybe I've just told everyone already. Maybe I am just tired of thinking about how I am broken, lonely because I am without a child. Tired of wondering not when I might get pregnant, but IF. Maybe I'm just tired.
If there is any time in a woman's life that deep in the deepest part of her gut she is going to feel like a failure, it is when the most ultimate part of being a woman is taken away. The ability to conceive, to create life, to nurture that life until it is born and then to mother that life. I know that everyone deals with infertility in a slightly different way. But the most common of all denominators has to be this indescribable feeling that I have been feeling. I can't be the only woman to feel this. And to not know what to say about it. It comes and goes, I have okay days and better days. Days when I actually might go a full six or eight hours without realizing what is going on. But it always comes back and I always come to see the reality of our situation. We are childless. We need help to conceive. We may never have a family the way that I envisioned so long ago.
So in the grand spirit of wearing my heart on my sleeve and not being able to keep a d*** thing to myself, I blog. And in the spirit of one of my recent favorite songs, I say what I need to say.
Say by John Mayer
(lyrics courtesy of elyrics.com)
Take all of your wasted honor
Every little past frustration
Take all of your so-called problems,
Better put ‘em in quotations
Say what you need to say [x8]
Walking like a one man army
Fighting with the shadows in your head
Living out the same old moment
Knowing you’d be better off instead,
If you only could . . .
Say what you need to say [x8]
Have no fear for giving in
Have no fear for giving over
You’d better know that in the end
Its better to say too much
Then never say what you need to say again
Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open
Say what you need to say [x24]
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