Bad news today.

So today was my day 5 check. To review~~I did 2 months of BCPs (because we had to postpone the first month due to my travel schedule) and then I started Lupron on day 21 of the second month of BCPs. I had my baseline on Saturday, as I posted before. All was quiet with the lone ovary.

Too quiet. Apparently. As in barely barely barely doing anything at all. "In the basement" as my embryologist said. I had one follie at about 8.5 and a couple of tiny ones that weren't even measurable! HORRID. RE said it's pretty bad and doesn't look like this will be the cycle we actually do IVF/ICSI. They upped my meds from 225 units once a day to 150 units in the AM and 225 units at night. I go back on Friday to see if this has kick-started anything, but most likely we'll have to cancel due to over-suppression and poor response. (Maybe my day 2 FSH of 14 that I mentioned a few posts back really does mean something.)

I barely made it out of the office before the water works hit. I think I sat in my car for like another 30 minutes before I even knew where I was supposed to go or what I was supposed to do for the rest of the day. Driving in my car was the worst because I couldn't find any music that would stop the chatter in my brain. It was this back and forth between the emotional and rational sides of me...one just utterly devestated and the other saying it's okay, we can do this one more month...no, we can't, we want a baby now! Yes, I understand that but it's not up to you, so we take it one day at a time...I don't want to take this anymore, why me? Why am I the broken one? It's okay, there is a plan and it will all work out.

And all this chatter just made me tired.

Two phrases stuck out to me today. They are completely random but explain everything in such few words:

• I AM PROFOUNDLY DISAPPOINTED. The definition of profound is originating in or penetrating to the depths of one's being; pervasive or intense, thorough, complete; extending, situated, or originating far down, or far beneath the surface. If profound coupled with disappointed doesn't describe how I feel today then I have no other words.
• MY HEART ACHES. What better way to explain the emotions I am feeling than to simply say that my heart aches. It aches. It longs. It yearns. It cries. I cry.

I am doing a bit better now, I guess. Almost twelve hours have past since my ultrasound and I suppose I do see that this isn't the end. But what I discovered today is that no matter how hard I have tried to just focus on the process, no matter how much I have tried to be rational and realistic, I cannot separate the deep emotions that I really am feeling. I didn't know how deeply invested I was in this whole journey. I mean, of course I knew. But I didn't know. And I think that scared me and upset me just as much as the yucky news about my progress.

So, high FSH/poor responder/POF dicussion groups, here I come.