Yesterday I went back to RE for my next check. All I have to say is "stupid Lupron!" The good news I guess is that while things are still plugging along at a snail's pace, I actually had three measurable follicles...three! They were 13, 11, & 10 I think. He did measure the little one (about 6) for fun he said, but you know. And even though IVF this cycle really looks like a stretch, he wasn't as completely negative as he had been on Wednesday. He just said we'd see how it goes. My instructions were to up to max dose~225 units in the AM and 225 units in the PM for Friday and today, back for a check on Sunday.
Today I feel in a funk. It has got to be the extreme amounts of Repronex coursing through my system or else I'm getting sick. I'm just exhausted and I feel achy and weak. My injection sites have finally bruised and seem to ache whichever position I'm in. I'm also not together in the emotional department. I almost had a break down this morning at a meeting and that would have been very embarrassing. Lethargic. That's the word that comes to mind. Or as DH would say, "I have a general feeling of malaise."
As I'm discovering there is absolutely no way to predict how this process is going to go. You think you have thought of every possible scenario and then, boom, the one you haven't thought of happens. The thing that is catching me off guard a bit is "other people." Now, I can't say this is something that I didn't know about, because I have read many of my fellow bloggers who have experienced this problem. And really, it's not a problem, per say. It's just that at the beginning of this whole infertility journey (actually once we started seeking assistance) I felt like there was a lot of support from the people that knew about our circumstances. I have been very open about our situation because I don't think that infertility is something that I should have to be ashamed of, and I really feel that there is such little discussion or education on infertility in the "fertile world" in general. I want people to learn about our situation and to understand that I don't want your pity, just your support and an honest effort to inform yourself with the facts instead of being ignorant. Sorry, I digress...the point is that I really felt good about sharing my details with the world in exchange for a little bit of understanding. Now I am starting to feel like a broken record. It's not that I think people aren't being supportive, that's not it at all. It's just that with all our drama, it must just be old news for some people and since it doesn't really effect them, they have moved on. So I am starting to feel like I was in a circle, then moved to the edge of the circle, and now I'm waving from the outside of the circle hoping to not get left behind. I don't want to be the center of attention (or in the middle of the circle), but I also don't want to be the freak who can't get over her issues.
Even with all my efforts to involve the people around me in this journey, it gets more and more solitary each day. My attempts to keep a positive outlook and a happy heart are requiring more and more energy. The shear weight of this...let's call it what it is, MY INABILITY TO CONCEIVE...is creeping evermore into the center of my life. Which is I guess where it ought to be considering all the crap we're enduring to try to overcome it. I just want one day, just one, where I feel normal again.
Post Script: I have some very loving and supportive people in my life, both good friends and family. Please do not take this post as an insult to you. I love you very much and appreciate everything you do and have done for me and DH. I am most defintely blessed and thankful for each one of you.
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