Thank You, Blogger...for finally updating and giving me a reason to stay with you.
Now that that's out of the way, if anyone is still reading this I am sorry I have not posted in awhile. Something about having a baby and going back to work has kept me from writing anything of interest lately. Or at least what I deem interesting.
But my heart seems heavy, so I return to the place where I know I can express myself, even if kryptically.
It is 9:45PM, I am still awake. You know it must be good, right? I am never up past 9:15PM.
Tulip is wonderful, no--AMAZING, and I have a job. Yet my heart feels the weight of lifetimes I have not lived.
Today I am sad. I am sad that my body doesn't work the way it was meant to. I am sad that I go month after month with a tiny tiny glimmer of hope, and then realize that I might never get to meet a child who is of me and of BigTex in one. I am sad that I am not finished grieving this, because of how much I love my daughter who is not of me and I don't EVER want her to know or feel that she was not my first love and my first child by choice.
Tonight, I cry. I cry because I cannot for all my being understand how I was given this beautiful, wonderful, amazing child to call my own. How am I deserving? How am I worthy? What makes me a better fit to be her mother than her mother? The one who grew her, the one who knew her before she was known to the world, the one who understood that the life she had was not the one she wanted for her child? Why ME???
Today I do not feel worthy. I feel the burden of what I am tasked to do, and I have doubts that I can live up to those expectations. It is a very heavy load today...
I call myself 'Mommy', but I don't know if I feel like one. I feed her and change her and bathe her. I rock her to sleep and cry tears of joy and tears of sadness over her nearly every night. She is precious and REAL and HERE...and I don't know what to do with that.
I am so very grateful. And humbled. And wondering if this is all a dream, because I sure don't get how this could be happening to me.
Today, and tonight, I feel like an imposter. I feel like I am playing make-believe and it is all going to end when I wake up.
Today was a hard day.
7 comments:
You are a wonderful mommy, don't ever doubt it!
But yeah...I worry that Bonsai will find out how hard we kept trying even after his adoption, and that that knowledge will make him feel less-than. And he so isn't--he is the most perfect baby we could ever have imagined, and longing for a bio kid in no way detracts from our utter joy at and love for this sweet boy we were blessed with. I know you feel the same. They are separate issues--wanting to pass on our genes and loving the children we're already blessed to have.
I'm sorry you're feeling down, and i understand. I'm still grieving my messed-up, broken-down body too, and it sometimes still hits me, hard, when I least expect it. But I do find that a snuggle with Bonsai always makes it better. Without all this struggle and pain, he would never have found his way into our arms, and that would so not be okay with me! I know you feel the same about Tulip. I hope you get some good mommy-daughter time in tomorrow :)
Hey honey. Still reading and waiting for updates. I am sorry that you are feeling down. I know there are no words that are going to be the "sweet spot" of feel better phrases. I pray for peace for you. I pray that you will be able to greive your losse and feel no guilt. Please know that there are people out here that love and care about you and your family.
I dont know if that want for a biological child ever completely goes away, but Tulip knows that she is loved and you will continue to show her that each and every day.
You are a mother - a good one.
I think it's completely normal to feel like this. I think we all feel like this from time to time. PLUS, you're a new mommy. Everything is new. You need to get caught up--on sleep, life, etc. It takes time.
Cut yourself some slack. OK?
BIG hugs.
know that you are not alone! I felt like an imposter for quite sometime. It used to hit me in waves and knock me on my ass.
I will say that my kiddo is now 14 months and I honestly don't get hit with the imposter feeling anymore.
Hugs!
Bri
don't worry.. you're not alone. i think lots of us feel this way (especially foster mommies). but i plan on telling my future adopted child that their heart chose my heart and that is why we ended up together, because truthfully whether a child is adopted or biological that is the honesty of the matter... their heart did choose our heart.. out of all of the eggs and spermies.. their heart chose our heart.
You're a wonderful mommy...all the more because able to acknowledge your own feelings.
There are times when I'm still sad that I will never see a child that is part me and part my husbands, but it doesn't change my love for our daughter. I still pray for that miracle, but I know I couldn't love my child less.
*hugs*
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