Where to begin...

I don't know. You haven't heard from me the past few days for several reasons, one being most fun (Dh's 30th birthday surprise party) and the other being most agonizing (sorting through this IVF stuff).

I don't know. Where to start, what to think, what choices to make, what choices to not make. The worst part of arriving at this point in our Baby Davis journey is that no decision is the wrong one. But that means that no decision is necessarily the exact right one either. Yet.

This all started when I began purusing the literature given to me by RE on the IVF process at their clinic. There was the generic, "this happens, then this, then this" etc., and then there was the specific costs associated with each step and procedure. Then I got to read about all the things that can go wrong, the dangers of the various procedures to me, to the eggs, to the embies. That there is no guarantee of pregnancy, live birth, or even healthy babies. I, of course, get to sign this one, stating that I have been informed of the risks and it's okay with me. The next pages were about cryopreservation, what to do if one of us dies, if we get a divorce, if we both die. We have to choose to destroy or donate all remaining embies in each of these cases, and again put our John Hancocks next to each one. I hadn't even thought that far in advance...I just want to get a couple eggs to fertilize, let alone enough to make it to freeze.

I had to put this stuff down and walk away. I let it sit on the table for a day, just looking at the documents was starting to scare me. As noted to the left, I started reading Unsung Lullabies this week. And while at first I was surprised at how serious the authors were describing the "trauma of infertility", once I got into the information from RE, I started to understand what they were talking about. This is traumatic.

Yesterday I got a call from RE's office. They had run into a brick wall with our insurance company, and wanted to know if I'd be willing to make some calls. We actually have coverage for three rounds of IVF and the RE was trying to get the breakdown of what was really covered and what was not. Seems like a smart idea. I spent time on the phone with multiple folks at ABC Insurance, only to hit the same brick wall. Good news is that 70% is covered by our plan. Bad news is since the plan won't specify what is covered, we have to pay in full up front, submit our own claim, and get reimbursed from ABC Insurance. Somehow, I see getting screwed in this deal.

The other complication is that I just got a new job. I am very excited about it, and I can't wait to really get started. Unfortunately, between attending some meetings, working out of town with some other reps, and going to training, the timing of our IVF opportunities is looking bleak. If this cycle doesn't time out just right, or if we decide to wait because we need to search the coiffers for enough money to pay up front, we're looking at a May/June cycle, at best. The other wrench in this is that our IVF coverage will be up at the end of August. After that, we will have NO coverage for any fertility/infertility related expenses.

To recap the major themes of the past couple days:

1. Fear. The excitement of moving on to IVF has mostly been eclipsed by the shear enormity of the process. And now I think I'm just scared.
2. Trauma. I really am starting to feel the weight of our infertility on my heart. Some days are really hard. I don't expect them to get any easier in the near future.
3. Finances. Always an issue. And even with "coverage" for IVF, we still will have to pay thousands of dollars up front.
4. Timing. Let's just say there feels like there is pressure to move forward even though I know that isn't the case.

I don't think that I've had any more clarity since writing all this down, but it does help to relieve a bit of the anxiety. I'm sure if I have any revelations soon, I'll share them.

Operation Find That Ovary commences this afternoon with a pelvic MRI. Riveting stuff, I know.