Too selfish?

So I had an interesting conversation today with a good friend, N. Now N. was working with our current manager yesterday and they came to a location where, upon entering, N. said was filled with "that dirty diaper smell." (We all know the one.) The conversation went something like this:

N. "Whew. Yuck. E."

Bossman "Yep, that's terrible. I don't know how people do it."

N. " What do you mean?"

Bossman "Have kids."

N. "Why?"

Bossman "I guess my wife and I are too selfish to have kids."

Now, I'm just simply paraphrasing here and I'm sure there was more to it. But the point is here was a man, very close to my age, successful in his career, married to a beautiful, successful woman. And they don't want kids.

N. told me about this and we both immediately said we in no way, shape or form could understand that. It just doesn't make sense. Who doesn't want kids? A family. A little person that looks just like you running around making trouble. I said that I do, however, respect that bossman and his wife don't want to have a family. I just won't understand it.

So when I got off the phone with N. following this conversation, I realized something. Maybe the question shouldn't be "who doesn't want kids" but "who the heck wants kids?" Bossman said they were too selfish to have a family. My interepretation of this is not that they don't want to love a little person but that in terms of priorities, their careers, their home, their own relationship, rank higher. So can't the 'too selfish' argument be a description of those who want kids also? Who are willing to do everything and anything to have a family? Who will spend thousands and thousands of dollars on drugs, tests, procedures, or even on paperwork and country fees for adoption? Who endure countless months or years of tragedy and disappointment in the hope that one day they too will have a child to add to their family?

This opens up an even bigger can of worms. What about single women looking to have a child on their own? What about same-sex couples seeking a family? Where does this even put using donor eggs or donor sperm if one partner cannot participate in the process? How about hand-picking your child in an orphanage in a foreign country. Or being able to change your mind if that child's medical history is less than perfect? Are all of these circumstances a result of being too selfish? Of wanting as opposed to being given?

Full circle, here. Am I too selfish because I haven't been able to have a child the most traditional, natural way possible? Does wanting to have a child, or even just wanting to have a family consisting of more than just me and my husband, through 'artificial' means make me less of a woman? Of a future mother? Of a wife? This line of thought could go on for awhile.

Instead, I'll tell you what I think. I think it can be perceived as selfish that I or any other individual would want offspring so badly that we are willing to do all these things to achieve that dream. I also think that what I am experiencing, lack of fertility if you will, has its own purpose. I am certain, without a doubt, that the time, money, heartache, joy, & energy spent to add a little person to my family will make that little person mean that much more. I already love that child more than myself. I am sacrificing all that I have for that child. My heart can't contain the joy I already know I will feel the day that child becomes ours. Whether through traditional methods, artificial processes, or adoption, my life and my world are already all about that child.

And really, more than anything, I fully believe that I am not selfish at all. I KNOW that loving my future child like this is the least selfish thing I could ever do.