My New Little Voice

We all have one. It is there when you are awake, trying to fall asleep, trying to pay attention in church. Some of what it says is good and honest and supportive, and other times it can be so self-depricating. I don't think that I ever really knew I had a little voice until a few years ago. I was in a not-so-nice place emotionally and was seeing a very nice counselor. She is the one that introduced us. And while I knew that I would always be my toughest critic, she pointed out that NO ONE would be able to be my biggest supporter or champion except me. I needed to change the conversation.

Since then, I have come to realize the dialogue that occurs every single day in my head can dramatically impact even the simplest of moments. Not to mention the big ones. It impacts my relationships, my interactions with strangers, whether I even want to get out of bed in the morning. I have been so critical of myself for so long that trying to live any other way feels foreign. I seem to always retreat to the safety of fat jokes and apologies for things I think I did but really had no control over.

This is the same Voice that shares a room with my other friend, Fear. Fear of change, fear of loss, fear of failure, fear of success, fear of simply not measuring up, of not being good enough. They seem to be very cozy roommates and they have been around for as long as I can remember. As the years have gone by, it seems as if they have become bolder or louder with their messages. But what I really think has happened is that I'm just hearing them these days. I know they have always been there, but not realizing what was really going on allowed me feign ignorance. Then I could retreat whenever I started to doubt or to be successful or to be scared of what was coming. Whether this was a good place to go or not, I only knew it was safe.

Fast forward to now, and the past year or so. The great part about knowing that the Voice and Fear live inside me, and actually knowing what they are saying to me, is that I can start to change how I hear them. I said above that I thought they were getting louder and bolder but really because I have started to hear them, I have started to listen to what they are saying. And I don't want to agree with them any more.

I know that I will forever and always be my biggest critic. That's just another layer to the baby cake. The inadequacies you feel, the gut-wrenching sense of failure, the inability to control any part of the process are that inner Voice and her friend Fear driving everything. If I actually believed what I was hearing, Heaven help me. But I really don't just want to be self-critical. I want to be my biggest fan. To NOT doubt that I am good enough, or worthy enough, or even capable. To know with complete confidence that it, all of it, is okay. That I will be okay.

So it's moving day. I'm bringing a new Voice to the table. Thanks to my dear friend J. and the creative folks at American Greetings, this new Voice just showed up in my mailbox last week. This one doesn't know Fear, doesn't care about all the junk piled up in the back. She is just going to stand right in front of that junk and not let it get any bigger. We have some serious work to do, but every day from here on out I commit to listening as hard as I can for this new Voice, even if the old ones are trying to speak louder. And if you hear me fall back into my old habits, kick me. I'd rather get kicked by you than by my self.