- Married almost 6 years
- TTC for 3 years
- BFNs for 5 cycles of Clomid in 2007, & 1 natural IUI, 1 IUI with shots, and 3 rounds of fresh IVF in 2008
- We have all sorts of problems, but we've been able to fix some of them and we could still get lucky and conceive on our own, eventually...
- In the meantime, we are finishing our home study and hope to be officially "waiting" to grow our family through Domestic Infant Adoption by the end of June!
It has been quite a ride and while I would never want to repeat the journey, I would never change it because our lives have grown and been so blessed over the last couple of years. My DH is so supportive and our relationship is the best it has ever been. And of course, without our struggles we would never have found this place--the place where we are going to grow our family through adoption. For this alone I wouldn't change a thing.
Speaking of adopting, I'd love some opinions from the blogosphere, if you'd be willing? My last post was specific to something we're wrestling with right now--how "prepared" should we be to bring our little one home, knowing full well it could take more than a year before we even get a call? When do we start gathering, buying, stocking up? I've read in several books/articles that adoptive families should start to prepare once our home study is complete and our profile is active, and even our agency recommends being ready to bring home an infant once we go "live." But I also don't want to sit with a fully-furnished, decorated and empty nursery for a year or more. Even more than that, I don't want to have this nursery, get matched, begin to attach and dream about this baby in this nursery only to have the match fall through.
My take is to have the bare, bare, bare necessities--car seat, some newborn outfits and diapers, and a blanket or two. All the rest can be gathered and acquired when we need it. And between my parents who live nearby and some close friends, I know we will have help from day one. It just may be shopping and assembling baby things as opposed to cooking, cleaning, and holding baby. Am I being naive? If you've adopted domestically or know someone who has, what was your experience? I am less concerned about a short turn-around on a call for a match than a call about our match failing. The room is painted, we do need to move some furniture--but other than that there's just a lot of buying to do.
Okay...that's my situation ICLWers, what do you think?
25 comments:
I haven't adopted and I don't know anyone who has but I think if it were me, I'd be thinking along the same lines as you, having the room done and the bare minimum to survive for a week or two and then add to it once you have the baby at home.
Happy ICLW
we haven't even started the homestudy process, but over the past years of IVF we've accumulated some baby stuff.. and fully plan on setting up the baby's room when we move. the more we do for the baby the more we feel like it's really going to happen. but that's us. it makes us happy and hopeful.. which has been hard to come by!! but maybe if you don't feel similar you could get some supplies and put them out of view? good luck with the rest of your homestudy stuff!! :)
Love the new digs! Not much experience in the adoption arena (although getting closer to starting to explore), but I agree with Serendipity...just the basics.
I hope your match comes swiftly!
I agree that having a nursery full of gear, but no baby would get a little miserable. However. I also think that you might be able to use the time between now & showtime to try to enjoy the experience of preparing your home for a baby. You know it's going to happen (hell, if I were looking for an adoptive couple, I'd be all over you guys) So why not try to enjoy it? Most people have 8 mos., give or take, to start accumulating stuff slowly, and then still end up doing a ton of stuff at the last minute. I think you could follow that model and not be too far off.
If it were me at this point, I think I'd be keeping an eye out for fantastic sales, etc. on nifty stuff I might not be able to afford as a last-minute purchase. I'd totally be buying a car seat. I'd probably be secretly buying a cute outfit or two. But if a chance at the crib o'my dreams came up at 75% off, I'd jump on it. Might not set it up just yet, but I'd totally be stockpiling as it made sense to do so.
But that's me. Whatever you choose to do, it'll work, because really, babies don't need anywhere near as much gear as we tend to buy for them. (Except for diapers. You can never have too many diapers. I'd start buying those tonight...)
Looking forward to hearing what you decide to do.
I'm laughing, but I think sprogblogger hit it on the head! As the proud auntie of two adorable little girls, I am already a pro at hitting up the sales. . .if it's cute, I'm buying, and someday SOMEONE will be wearing it!
(And seriously, if nothing else, buy the diapers!!!!)
Missing you, glad to hear things are progressing.
Hugs,
Jo
I agree with sprog blogger actually. Another idea -which I hit on tonight, was registering for a baby shower and for the items ahead of time.
Then when the event happens you can send out invites to all your friends and esp if it's an internet company they can just ship everything. That way you know what you want but it's all "hypothetical" until you get the call.
Just an idea.I was shopping for a friends' baby shower and decided to start our own registry and it was kind of fun. but I got stuck trying to decide on a stroller and a crib!
good to hear how you are doing!
There is a big difference between having a fully stocked/decorated nursery and having the basic supplies you need to care for an infant on hand. My guess is your agency is recommending you at least have the basic supplies.
We opted to not change our home or prepare in in many ways during our wait; we needed to be able to not be surrounded by reminders all the time. I know other people who did go full out with decorating and shopping and reading, and for them it was a really fulfilling thing to do during the wait. You just need to do what makes sense for the two of you. There really is no one right way, no matter what the articles say.
I have a list that a bunch of adoptive parents at our agency developed of the basic things you need in order to respond to a last minute placement. It all fits in a big plastic tub that you can keep out of sight, if you wish. The tub plus a carseat is all you need in the beginning. I'd be glad to pass it on to you, if you're interested; my email is in my profile.
Congratulations to you as you get close to waiting! I hope it is a smooth and peaceful journey from here on out.
No need to feel like a fraud! You are preparing....that's all!
Good Luck with your adoption plans!
*ICLW*
I don't know much about adoption, and honestly, I picked your blog because you spoke about adoption. My story is pretty similar in the fact that our journey of ttc for 5 years has brought my husband and I closer than we could EVER dreamed! I'm deathly afraid of drugs and medical approaches to IF and recently we have been looking into foster care or adoption! Good luck with your journey and I hope to learn more about you! :)
~Michelle
I don't have familiarity with adoption. However, I think you and your DH need to do what you feel is best for you as a couple.
If purchasing many items would hurt too much if things don't pan out, then it's okay not to put yourselves through that. However, if buying and planning helps you feel more prepared for your adoptee, then that is okay too! :)
*ICLW*
I don't have any advice for you, but Erica over at Parenthood for Me http://parenthoodforme.blogspot.com has a lot of info on her blog, as well as her email address. Maybe she can be of some help. And of course Lori From Weebles Wobblog. http://weebleswobblog.blogspot.com
Good luck!
*ICLW*
I don't really know what I would do, but I wish you much happiness in whichever path you choose! (ICLW)
Thanks for the brief history.
Not on the adoptive route, but I feel the same way as you - don't think I could stand having the room prepared and all. I think that just like you, I would have the bare neccecities, and when the time is right take care of the rest.
Good luck with it!
ICLW
If it were me, I'd make a list of everything I absolutely needed, and then wait until I got matched.
ICLW
hi!! i think i would indulge in the joy and hope of buying a few things to be prepared, but then tuck them out of sight until needed. i am so excited for you and hope that everything unfolds quickly for you.
good luck :)
I honestly don't know what to suggest. All I can say is I Hope your adoption process is short and sweet. Good luck.
~ICLW
Hope everything works out well.
Good luck!
~Stopping by for ICLW~
If I were in your position, I would probably be as hesitant as you to be too prepared. I think you have to do what is comfortable for you, and perhaps just ensure that the finances are in place to buy what you need when you need it (it's not easy to shop for the best deal when you're in a hurry). Just my two cents :)
I'm certainly not an expert in this area, more likely in the same boat as you. we are currently waiting on our foster/adoption licenses as well.
I decided not to do anything with the spare bedroom, although we have purchased the bare necessities such as a play pen, baby seat (vibrating one), bath items, and etc. I didn't buy diapers, clothing, or even a crib because I'm not sure of the sex or how hold the baby will be.
Wishing you the best!
ICLW
i'm not in your position, but may be there at some point. i'd probably do what you're thinking, but i like fat chick's suggestion too--make a list of everything, so when the time comes, you can spend your energy on being excited and joyful rather than trying to think about what you might need. best of luck!
ICLW
as an adoption social worker, i have seen this done many different ways. if it were me, i would say get the essentials and fill in the rest when you need them. babies need very little when they first arrive.
if you want to be fully prepared that is wonderful. you are in no way a fraud. all of us who deal with infertility are parents long before our babies are ever with us.
best wishes on your journey!!!
ILCW
Good luck with your adoption! I'm sure lots of people going through the process have the same questions. I haven't read the comments here, but hope you got some great advice.
*ICLW*
I'm thinking your way of doing it might be best. Having the bare minimum available. Or if you're feeling particularly spendy one day and just HAVE TO HAVE THAT, then buy it. But keep it in the box, in the bag or stuffed in a closet so you don't have to stare at it every day. My mother has a tendency to buy stuff for our eventual baby but she keeps them wrapped as presents so that I don't have to see them whenever I go home.
I know they're there and it makes it easier that I don't have to think about it just all the time.
*ICLW*
Good luck with your adoption plans. I hope everything goes smoothly. :-)
It defiantly won't hurt to have the basics.
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