Like a ton of bricks

I just got off the phone with my IRL friend, J. I am trying desperately to squelch the tears and the deep gutteral gasps that are about to come with them.

Background: We have been friends since we were 3. We have gone years in there without so much as a phone call. She is married to her husband who has been my friend since we were 11. I love J. and her DH very much and despite all the ups and downs in our relationship, we have a strong, Christian friendship that has survived the many storms in our lives. Nearly two years ago, J. suffered a miscarriage at 10 weeks with their first child. I didn't know about this until several months later, but since then we have been big supporters of each other--her with my IVF journey, me with her recovery following the miscarriage and subsequent inability to conceive again. We both have contemplated adoption and even attended an adoption bible study together this past fall. Shortly after this, we started IVF #2 and with the holidays soon to follow we both just lost touch as we seem to do on at regular intervals.

She just called to tell me she is expecting. Which I am thrilled to hear! Really, and truly thrilled for J. and her DH. They are so ready and so deserving given all they've been through. The kicker? The minute piece that makes me want to toss my lunch? The gut-wrenching blow that makes me feel as though I've been slapped in the face? She is nearly five months pregnant. FIVE F***IN' MONTHS.

And right now I don't want to hear how maybe she couldn't figure out how to tell me or that she was waiting to get through the first trimester because of her history and has just been too scared to tell very many people at all. I know these things. Don't tell me these things. Unless you're going to agree with my right to feel like I should have been one of the first people to know, simply out of courtesy for our friendship and how I supported her in one of her most difficult times (or at least made every attempt), than I don't want to hear from you. While I am so so very happy for them, this one...well, it smarts.