You talked me off the ledge...

THANK YOU so much for your quick, supportive, and thoughtful responses yesterday. I was beginning to feel the anxiety and panic creeping in (actually I had fought with it all day) and I didn't know what to do with myself.

Your suggestions to continue to communicate with our first parents as if we had heard from them, to keep sharing and make sure they know the door is always open--it is just what I needed to hear. That was the feeling I had in my gut yesterday afternoon when I called Tulip's firstmom and left a message. I just told her we loved her, were thinking of her and wanted to see what she'd been up to this summer. I let her know she could call any time--we'd be looking forward to hearing from her. After I hung up, I began to replay the call in my head and analyze how I sounded, what specific words I used...it was agony. Of course, I was bringing this all on myself.

Last night, while I was feeding Tulip her bananas and cereal, Tulip's first parents called. I practically jumped through the phone to hug her, but since I couldn't I just remained very cheerful that we had finally connected. It turns out that her other cell number (which we had always used) is going to be shut off and she will be using her new number as a primary one. Odds are, she never even saw my text a few weeks ago.

Net-net: she sounded wonderful. She was telling me about all the things they are doing, how work is, how they went to an amusement park and she had never been before, how she got another tattoo and will be adding Tulip's name to it. She was light-hearted, cheerful, and so very much the exact way we know her. I think my heart stopped when I hung up and finally released all the tension that had been building. I cannot even describe the joy.

To clarify, I never had any reason to worry. I know this. I know LOGICALLY that there was never anything wrong, that everything I conjured up in my head was of my own doing. But the fear-monster was doing it's best to convice me that they were at home, regretting their decision, and doing everything possible to get Tulip back. Again, in our state, this is 99.99% IMPOSSIBLE for them at this point. But when I got home yesterday, I was afraid to open the mail and look in the front door for fear I might find a legal summons. I needed to hear her voice, to know how she was doing, to have some form of reassurence that I'm not the imposter I sometimes feel like. But as relieved as I feel today, September 16th cannnot come soon enough. That will be our forever day. I'm hoping to stay upright until then!

Another post to come but I am also dealing with a bit of guilt and grief on behalf of Tulip. I'm currently doing some reading and trying to understand what it means and how it plays a role in our family. So more thoughts when I can coherently put them down.

THANK YOU, again, internets. I swear I don't know what I'd do without you! And as a reward...here is a recent photo of our Tulip!