So what do you do when you aren't sure about openness in adoption at first, come to realize it is very important to you, start an open relationship with first parents, have loads of contact for awhile, and then just....crickets????
How is it that when I wasn't sure that I wanted openness it was nearly forced upon me (as in, most agencies now encourage some level of openness) as we began our journey and now, that we are in an open adoption, the level of contact with our first parents has basically dried up and I am desperate to hear from them?
I recognize that this is part of the process--that we have a lifetime ahead of us to figure it all out. I also recognize that it may be very difficult for them to have continuous communication with us, especially right now because after all we are parenting their child.
But the silence is absolutely deafening right now.
The fear-monster has conjoured up some very scary plot lines, and I do not like living there.
Any advice from AP's in an open relationship? I mean, other than 'wait it out'?
6 comments:
I don't know - I'm not an adoptive parent. But I'm an adoptee that was adopted in a pretty open way. Shortly after I was adopted, my birth parents didn't have much contact with my adoptive parents. For years. It wasn't until much later, when they got their sh!t together more that they wanted to have more contact, and then it was hard.
I think in all adoptive situations, you have to just feel it out, and nothing will be "normal" it will just be what it is. I don't have any advice, as I haven't been in your shoes, but I think that perhaps the birth parents have dropped off because they have seen that Tulip is in a really good family, and it's probably really hard to continually see you and her.
Hugs to you! I admire how willing you are to be open in your family.
Keep communicating as thought they were responding. That's what got me through, that and the reminder that she picked us for a reason, she must have liked something about us. Now 2 years later it's starting to become the relationship I hoped for.
It's very hard, but so worth it. Don't give up, talk about it here or with someone (always willing to talk).
We didn't want it at first either.
rWe are struggling with the same thing right now. We haven't heard anything from our birthmom in a few weeks and my mind always thinks of the worst. I'm just continuing to do what I have always done and pray that she will contact me when she's able/wiling.
Wow. I could have written this!! When we parted ways from R's birth family upon placement, it waws goodbye forever (as they wanted). We have all struggled together as we really dove in deep to figure out what it is we all really want. I thought we had reached a place where we were having great, consistent contact. I got an email from R's birth mom saying that her mother (who we also know) was diagnosed with cancer and was having surgery on such and such date. I emailed on that date sending positive thoughts and prayers and again a few days later and then again a few weeks later and NOTHING. I was nervous and worried and going insane. I quit emailing because I felt like a crazy stalker. Then I got an email out of the blue months later acting as if we had just spoken two days before. She did make a comment that she had been thinking of R a lot lately, so I am chalking it up to her just having a hard time and not feeling like talking. Which is totally ok.
So, I guess my advice would be to keep communicating even if you get no response. I would keep it light and just send small updates or cute new things and see what happens.
I know where you are ins't a fun place. It is so easy to let your mind take you in all sorts of crazy places (your emotions as well!).
We are still so new in this whole thing. There isn't a handbook and as Alex said, every situation is different and there is no normal. Good luck!
Bri
miraculouslymyownaz.wordpress.com
No advice, but I am so glad you are posting about this. As we wade into the adoption waters (in theory, if not in reality just yet), I want to learn everything there is. We, too, are a bit reluctant for an open adoption (Mo more so than I), but realize that they are much more the norm these days. So I am very much interested to read how this works out for you guys, even understanding that every situation is different.
Thinking of you and sending big hugs for you and Tulip.
Jo
I'm curious - does your agency reccomend you call them "first parents"? I've just never heard that term before. Anymore, it is usually birthparents, birthmom etc. Just wondering.
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