Hi and welcome if you're here for ICLW! The complete story is in the left column but the current story is that we are adoptive parents to our Tulip, now 4.5 months old, who came to us at birth via domestic infant adoption. We were matched 7 weeks before she was born and we brought her home when she was 3 days old. We are in an open adoption with her first parents, and we are working through what that looks like every single day. Glad to have you visit!
My current struggle in our open adoption has to do with our story--or Tulip's story as it were. Let me back up a bit...
BigTex and I thrive on knowledge. We want to understand, appreciate, and be familiar with all sides of an issue. We want to speak based on truth and not out of ignorance. We believe that education is vital, especially outside of the classroom and in real life. We do our homework before making big decisions, we choose to learn the nuiances and details of most everything we decide to commit to. In our belief, knowledge really is power.
But with knowledge comes responsibility. It means you have to be willing to share, to speak up, to give back...so that others may learn and be able to grow just as we have. I'm not talking about telling other people what to do, or even sharing our opinion if it's not asked for. I am talking about being open about our choices so that if someone wants to learn or to understand, they will know that we are willing to share ourselves with them.
This strong belief in knowledge has allowed us to be so open with our struggles in our marriage, with our infertility, with growing our family through adoption. How can we possibly find others on a similar journey if NO ONE shares their story? We have grown closer and stronger as a couple in our 7-year marriage, in my opinion, because we are both willing to be so open.
I have never struggled with wearing my heart on my sleeve. But recently, I find myself wanting to cover up the deepest parts of me and just not say anything. I want to be quiet. I want to deny what I believe is a responsibility to speak up, to speak out, for truth. I find myself not wanting to even begin the conversation that could stop someone from continuing to circle ignorance. I am tired.
I never felt that my life was invaded by sharing my fertility woes--complete strangers practically knew about my one ovary and our failed IVFs before I would even introduce myself. It made THEM uncomfortable, but not me. Why should I have been uncomfortable? And why should I have allowed their discomfort to take away what it meant to me--I have never been accused of not giving every bit of myself. Forget wearing my heart on my sleeve, I am my sleeve!
But now...now it is feeling different. Since we committed to adopting, joined our agency, waited and waited, were matched, waited some more, and finally met our beautiful baby girl--I have remained an open book. Of course, some details I do not share. I do respect the privacy of our daughter's first parents, and their life and choices are not mine to share. But I have never in my life been weary of helping people to understand like I am now. I find myself living in defense of my choice to adopt, in defense of our choice to have an open adoption, in defense of Tulip's first parents for choosing adoption. I want people to RESPECT the fact that they HAVE NO IDEA and to JUST STOP TALKING. Stop letting dumb, outlandish, ignorant things come tumbling out of your mouths. I am so very happy to share the joys and the challenges of adoption with you--if you would just shut up for two seconds and quit passing judgement. You don't know me...you sure as heck don't know Tulip's first parents, and in my gentlest, kindest way I am trying to tell you to stop dragging me down.
I don't want to stop sharing--we all learn that way. I want to know and understand the experiences of others, and I hope that at some point maybe my experience will impact someone else. But really, this is a tough one.
Any thoughts?
11 comments:
No advice, just glad to hear from you. I know you are busy with Tulip, but I enjoy your updates. I hope that everyone learns to respect your decisions -- and soon.
Oh, and I may want to pick your brain in the coming months about your experience. See my latest post for my newest thoughts on adoption, and where we might be headed on our journey.
Big hugs,
Jo
I obviously don't have any real-life advice from your side of the adoption table, but I do remember what it was like to get so much unsolicited commentary about our adoption plans. Much of the commentary was founded on ignorance, and it was so frustrating. Even now, as we make decisions for our future in regards to our little one, I just have to remind myself that everything I do is for MY family, what's best for US. It helps me to shrug off the opinions, commentary, and judgments.
Glad you and Tulip are doing well. I think about you often and enjoy your updates!
Thanks for the nice comment on my blog. Your little Tulip is darling. I totally understand your post. Even though our adoption was disrupted at the last minute and I told people I was done talking about it in real life - I still get lots of dumb comments and questions. And while we were matched and waiting it was the same way. I too love to educate people, but it got to be very frustrating. Anyway I am glad your open adoption is going well and it gives me hope to read blogs such as yours. Have a great weekend.
Hello from ICLW! I have a friend who passes judgement and I just don't share anything with her anymore. That is the only advice I have. If you are addressing ugly commenters in the blog world just ignore them because there are lots of people who support you and your decision to adopt.
I think the key is to learn how much to share with who. People interested in adoption you share it all. People just being nosy share a little and leave them with something shocking, like knowing her birthfamily. No that shouldn't be shocking but it still is today for so many.
Reading your post you made me realize that's why I'm so cautious about sharing openly. I didn't realize that I don't share at all unless directly asked. But as you said, people learn from us. That's how I learned, finding people. But in the beginning of life with Isabel my sharing was met with judgment and put me on the defense.
You'll figure it out, it takes time and experience now that she's actually here.
Happy ICLW!
Congrats on baby Tulip! She is a cutie pie!!
I can't believe that people would give you a hard time for you choices!!
I love that you call them Tulip's first parents. That's a beautiful way to put it.
And yes, people are stupid but good on you for standing strong.
You tell em girl!
Happy ICLW #50
We grew our family through donor eggs, and I could have written the same thing. I am happy to share my infertility story with others, so people know of the struggles people go through. At this point, I keep some of our choices private, because I am not ready to let it 'all out'. I agree with you about people just needing to be quiet and listen...they might learn something!
I've heard all the questions and all of others crazy opinions on how we chose to grow our family too! And the questions people ask about our daughter's first parents are even more crazy at times too. ((hugs)) It is frustrating. I've learned to ignore the questions or just say, sorry that's not my information to share, that's our daughters story to share later if she chooses too.
Thanks for stopping by our blog and leaving a comment! Happy ICLW week!
Hi from ICLW! As we're beginning our domestic adoption process, I'm finding myself thinking about all these things. Kind of makes me wish people followed the "don't talk to strangers" rule!
Stopping by from ICLW. My DH and I are adopting and have gotten some really ignorant comments. It is frustrating, but I do try to educate others on the process.
I'm not an open book in general (VERY few people know about what we've been through)and only a handful know we are adopting, so I don't really have any advice on that other than do what you are comfortable with.
Best wishes.
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