There is no question in my mind that both BigTex and I had a difficult time in the weeks following Tulip's adoption. We, of course, were thrilled to finally have grown our family. But because we wanted and had entered into an open adoption, we felt the full weight of the situation. We each grieved in our own way, I think, for Tulip's first parents because we knew their decision to place her was entirely circumstantial. I suppose it always is, right? Well, having gotten to know her first parents prior the birth, we learned that it simply came down to finances and the lack thereof. Tulip's first dad was out of work and the two of them could barely stand on their own two feet let alone provide for a new baby. But it was never a question of whether or not they wanted to parent. They wanted to--it just was the wrong time. Fast forward two years. Tulip's first parents are no longer together (which is a good thing), we've maintained a very open adoption both of them (visits included every few months), and life's changed a lot for both of them. While I won't go into any details, the challenge for me comes with our contact with Tulip's first dad. He is a terrific guy--my age, college-educated, working full-time and providing for/contributing to his girlfriend and her kids with whom he is close. He's even finally shared Tulip's story with his parents and we've had the pleasure of meeting Tulip's biological grandparents. They are wonderful as well.
For me, if no one else, the visits with him are hard. I try very much to facilitate a smooth and joyful day for Tulip's sake, but I see his pain. I see and know how difficult it must be to watch her with us. He has told me that if he had to do it over again, he wouldn't. He couldn't. He loves Tulip beyond any words (which is completely evident in the fact that he did place her when she was born). It takes me days - weeks - to get past one of these visits. My heart aches for him, and for my daughter. I wonder if we are doing the right thing, if she will know and understand one day that we kept in close contact for her. That I carry his sadness too, because I can only imagine how awful it must be to see your own flesh-and-blood call someone else Daddy. Now that we've met his parents, I cry for them. I hurt because they don't get to be with Tulip and know her like they do their other grandchild. They love her and they are completely smitten with her. As I stand back and watch them interact, I question what my whole place is in this picture. It is SO SO SO SO very strange and hard and not normal.
But it is my normal.
We will most certainly continue our contact with both our girls' first families for as long as we can. We will hopefully connect with more of their extended first families (both girls' have bio-siblings) over time. There have been so many challenges we've had to face in our efforts to grow our family, I don't pretend to think there won't be any as my daughters grow. I guess I'm just wondering when, or if, the sadness and emotional fatigue I feel will lessen or go away. It ebbs and flows for sure, but it would be nice if at some point I just felt at peace with it all.
8 comments:
I totally appreciate this post. I went to an adoption seminar today and am working hard to reconcile what open adoption will mean for my child, for my child's birth family and for myself. Thank you for your honesty and openness. Hugs.
I popped over from Mel's, so I don't know your story or how old Tulip is. Four of my children came to us through adoption and with one of them we have an extremely open adoption with our daughter's birthmom and her extended family. She is turning six soon and this summer I think I finally found my peace with it. We were at her Great-Grandmother's house and my daughter was on her birthmom's lap. They were making faces at one another, while her granddad was taking pictures and their expressions were identical. I was marveling over it and her grandmother laughed and I saw my daughter's exact expression repeated again... All three generations with the same nose scrunch. Later as the kids were running around playing it hit how completely she is of her biologically family and yet she is completely of ours too. She is both and I held the perfectness of both of those seemingly contridictory realities in my heart at the same time. I've struggled to find words to describe how I felt in that moment. "At peace" covers it pretty well.
There were years that were hard, not just for us and her birthmom, but also for our daughter. She has grappled with her reality in ways that would cause many parents to back away from their open adoptions. Instead we took it one day at a time and dove in deeper. This will be one thing that I know with certainty that we've done right. She is thriving, she has a sense where she comes from and understands that it's okay to fit completely in both her families.
Oh my goodness this has to be hard. I don't know when it gets better. I was adopted at 4 due primarily to finances. Well that and alcoholism... But my parents (adoptive, my only "real parents") got over it pretty quickly. But I have to admit I'm still struggling with it. During my adult life, I've reconnected with my birth parents, and my birth father seems to be handling it well and thinks it was all for the best. But my birth mother doesn't. In fact, she cries every time she speaks with me, which makes it very hard. She regrets her decision to give me up, and expected a lot more out of our "open" adoption than what she received. But we deal, and like you said, this is our normal. I never thought of the pain you must feel for the birth parents of your family. Thanks for sharing.
Here from the Roundup. This is an amazing post. You really express the complexities of these emotions so well. As the mom of a donor conceived child, I learn so much from adoption bloggers. Thank you.
Here from the round-up. Thank you for this post...I don't know your full story, but as someone who wants to adopt, I really appreciate your honesty about what happens after you have your children. Will be following along with you!
Hi! Found this post through Mel's Roundup. I'm moved to tears by this post and also by Caryn's response. I've often fantasized about my son's birth family (foreign adoption), and I wanted to know what they are life and for them to see what a gift they've given us. But, I didn't think about finding pain in their eyes and having to sit with that. My heart goes out to you, and I'm hoping you find some peace with it all very soon.
I'm so glad that Mel posted about you. I too struggle with the complexities of our adoption situation. Our birthfamily are still together and have other children. It is so hard for me to walk away from visits. I will continue to follow your story as I can totally appreciate where you are coming from.
Adoption takes so much work, it is equally joyful as it is hard on our hearts.
Thank you for this post. I am a birthmom in an open adoption and it is helpful to hear an adoptives moms pain and grief too. Sometimes I think I am the only one grieving. It makes me sad to think of E's parents struggling with grief too. Open adoption and giving her a mom and dad who are together and married is worth this pain though. Thank you for your honest blog. It is helpful.
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